Bite Somebody · Publishing

Bite Somebody is three, but I’ve lost my joy

Three years ago this morning, I woke up as a published author. Bite Somebody had been set free upon the world. It was my first full-length novel picked up by an actual publishing house. People could buy a paperback copy of the book on Amazon. People could say, “Sign my book,” and they did. I had thrilling launch parties and big book signings.

Those months surrounding Bite Somebody‘s release were some of the most intense, exciting months of my life because I had achieved my earliest, biggest childhood dream: publish a book!

I have continued to publish since. Bite Somebody Else came out in 2017. Magazines and anthologies galore have picked up my short stories and novellas. I entered the LGBTQ writing community like the Kool-Aid man with The Escape Trilogy from 2018-2019. I currently have three additional books under contract, and I’m self-publishing one this summer as an experiment.

How does it feel that Bite Somebody is three? It feels good, especially with the audiobook on the way.

How do I feel about writing? Honestly, the business side has taken the fun out of creating.

I recently got a super painful rejection letter from an agent about how much he loved my newest manuscript … but how it was too weird, too quirky, to fit into the mainstream market.

I get it—and I don’t. I realize I’m weird and quirky, and my work (Bite Somebody included) encompasses that. However, isn’t it good to be different? Isn’t it important to press back against the mainstream (and Hollywood sequel after sequel after remake, remake) and create something unique?

No. That’s what the mainstream publishing industry would say. NO.

Stay in your box!

Write for the market!

Whatever you do, don’t go off the beaten path!

Lately, writing fan fiction is where I am freest to create. I can do whatever I want on Archive of Our Own. There, I write without ego, without pressure, and without fear because I’m not trying to sell anything. I’m not worried about marketability or eventual promo or my idiotic image. No, when I write fan fiction, I create for the joy of creating—because I do love writing … I just don’t much like what comes after:

The agent and publisher search and looking to someone else for affirmation.

The social media. The publicity.

The worry that no one will read my book anyway.

Will I make enough money to pay my bills?

Does anyone care?

Then, of course, the self-loathing when a bad review rolls in …

Since the release of Bite Somebody three years ago, I’ve learned a lot about this “business.” I’ve grown as a writer and as a person. Despite my success, my mental health is currently the worst it’s been since long before Bite Somebody saw the light of day. Part of that is due to life circumstances, but I’m also disillusioned with being a professional writer.

Once upon a time, long, long ago …

I achieved my professional dream of publishing a book, but since then, I’ve only wanted more … more … bigger … better! I am killing myself with work, but it’s not the writing aspect; it’s all the other industry shit: the envy, the competition, the constant rejection and hard work that leads nowhere. All of this makes me want to stop writing altogether and just bartend the rest of my life. (I’m a great bartender, okay?)

Then, I remember fan fiction and the joy of creating something simple and beautiful that was never intended to be judged by the faceless gatekeepers of “publishing.” I remember the peace I feel when I write for me, not for anyone else, and when I write with no fear of rejection.

I speak at writers’ conventions—about necessary evils like social media and marketing—but I always try to remind attendees: “Write for you. Not for the New York Times Bestseller List. Not for oodles of cash. Write for you.”

Ha, I’m the one who has forgotten this simple advice as I have spent the past three years trying to scrape my way into the mainstream. Find an agent! Be interesting online! Start a Facebook group! Do your newsletter! Make more money! Keep working and working … until you forget you’re a writer and become a monster of “onto the next, onto the next, onto the next!”

Being an indie author has brought me great joy, but I’m sad I no longer remember the innocent enthusiasm of Bite Somebody‘s birthday. I look at pictures, but the memory of that initial excitement eludes me. I wish I could find it again, but I don’t know if I ever will.

Writing. I used to love writing. I think I can again, as long as I put myself in the fan fiction mindset and write for me. In recent weeks, I’ve said I want to give up writing—until I received a frankly adorable, frantic call from an amazing author friend in Germany, no less, telling me that wasn’t an option.

I am a writer, but that part of me has been buried beneath the weight of social media, promo, Twitter pitch contests, failure, rejection, failure …

It’s time to stop stressing about what the world thinks and write for me. I want to write for fun again. So what if people don’t like my work? It’s for me, not them. I write to exorcise my own demons and create characters I want to be around, quirky and then some.

I mean, for those of you who have read Bite Somebody, the character of Imogene is about as quirky as you can get—but an editor at World Weaver Press loved her anyway. (Thanks, Trysh!) I could use more Imogene in my life. She doesn’t give a shit what people think and laughs in the face of judgment (while rocking out to fantastic 80s tunes, of course).

I seek to find the joy in creating again, the fun in writing. How about you? Has adulthood stolen the innocent thrill of make-believe? Let’s find it again.

books

New erotic anthology raises money for LGBTQ charity!!!

Sexy short stories are super fun, especially when they’re for charity. Today, COME PLAY has been unleashed upon the world, and I am proud to be part of it. Here’s the gist … Oh, and some of the text in this blog post is definitely NSFW!! Adult words ahead! You’ve been warned!

Watch and Learn if the Coach’s Little Kitten can be Tamed. Follow the Doctor’s Orders and read all about Brotherly Love. Understand Abstract Love and then take a peek at A Kink Chronicles Short. It’s all about Pretty Boys, The Kiss, and Particular Tastes bundled up in this must-have erotic anthology.

Come, play with us.

Abstract Love by Sara Dobie Bauer
A Kink Chronicles Short by Luna David
Brotherly Love by Lynn Van Dorn
Coach’s Little Kitten by Quin Perin
Doctor’s Orders by Emma Jaye
Particular Tastes by T.S. McKinney
Pretty Boy by E.M. Denning
Tamed by T.M. Chris
The Kiss by A.G. Carothers
Watch and Learn by K.C. Wells

All proceeds from this anthology will be donated to The Trevor Project, which focuses on suicide prevention efforts among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning youth. This charity means so much to me as both a mental health speaker and LGBTQ advocate AND person who has fought my own battles with depression and self-harm.

My short story, “Abstract Love” is a comical enemies-to-lovers, gay-for-you love story between a grumpy corporate exec and a snarky young graphic designer. You’ll find a teaser below, but be sure to buy your copy of COME PLAY today.

Support The Trevor Project, and read some damn fine smut!!!


“Abstract Love” Excerpt

by Sara Dobie Bauer

Sam threw his hands in the air. “Why do you hate me? You’ve hated me since I walked into this fucking office, and I have no idea why! Jesus Christ, you helped hire me!”

What with the envelope and people knowing and all the cruel cackles—and Sam in his office after-hours—it all piled up until, suddenly, Donovan stood right in front of Sam without any memory of moving. He did remember yelling, “You are a disrespectful, spoiled brat who knows nothing about real life because your nose is always stuffed in a sketchbook.”

Probably to get some distance, considering Donovan was practically up his nose, Sam shoved Donovan in the chest. “Well, you’re a miserable, grumpy son of a bitch who hates the world, and nobody fucking likes you!”

Donovan stood up straight and blinked just as Sam dug his hands into his chestnut curls.

“Oh, my God, shit, I’m so sorry. That was a terrible thing to say.”

Donovan felt the lump like vomit in his throat. Do not cry. Not here, not now, not in front of him. At least, those were his initial thoughts, which changed when he really thought about it because—if he was honest—he really … needed … Sam.

He reached out and grabbed Sam’s ugly yellow coat. In fact, he went one better. He pressed Sam against the closed office door and kissed him.

For Donovan, relief was instantaneous. He gripped Sam’s collar and kissed some more. Surprisingly, Sam moaned and kissed back, mouth open wide as his tongue came out to play. His hands clung to the back of Donovan’s head as he made the most delicious sighing noises, and Donovan noticed Sam’s lips were so fucking soft.

They kissed and kissed. Donovan would have kept kissing, a man flailing blindly away from heterosexuality, but Sam eventually tilted his head to the side and said, “Whoa, okay, pump the brakes, big chief.”

They ended up sitting side by side in Donovan’s guest chairs. Neither man spoke for a good five minutes. Donovan stared at the floor while Sam tapped his fingers on his knees.

Finally, he said, “Hello, I’m Sam Shelby. Who the fuck are you?”

Donovan chuckled so he wouldn’t cry.

“You don’t hate me, do you?”

“God, why do you have to smell so good?”

Sam leaned forward in his seat. “It’s Gain laundry detergent and some French cologne my sister bought.”

“I’m sorry I kissed you,” Donovan whispered.

“Don’t be. It was a good kiss.”

“Look, I’m getting a divorce, which apparently the whole office knows about. I haven’t felt anything in months, not until you showed up.” He lifted his head but still didn’t make eye contact. He wasn’t sure he could handle Sam’s baby blues just yet. “You’re so talented. It’s disturbing how talented you are. I hated it at first. I hated you, or at least I thought I did.” He rubbed his hand over his face. “Who gave you the right to come into my life and be so talented and passionate? Who gave you the right to be a light in my dark?”

“Depression is easy, Donovan. It’s the other shit that’s hard.” He sighed and clapped his hands together once. “So. You wanna go fuck?”

Now, that got Donovan’s full attention. “What?”

“We live in the same building. The walk of shame would be really short.”

Donovan stood and backed away from the wily creature he’d erroneously allowed remain in his office. “Sam, I’ve never … well …”

“Fucked a work colleague?” He waggled his dark eyebrows.

“No. I mean, yes, I’ve never fucked a colleague, but I’m saying I’ve never …”

“Been with a brunette?”

“Been with a guy.”

“Oh,” Sam said. “Ohhhhh,” he said again. “Oh?” He leaned back in his chair. He half-chuckled, only part of his mouth curling up in amusement. “But we …” He waved at the office door. “I figured you must—”

“Just you,” he said and ground his teeth together.


Read the rest of Donovan and Sam’s amorous (and educational) adventures in “Abstract Love,” featured in COME PLAY. Go buy it! It’s kinky, and it’s for charity!

Uncategorized

Let’s go to Paris for my birthday!

Well, I’m not literally going to Paris for my birthday BUT Paris is what I want for my birthday. Not making sense? Check it …

I started a GoFundMe to help me get to Paris in March 2020. This is all about book nerds, literary history, and creativity, centered around the famed bookshop, Shakespeare and Co.

ALL THE DETAILS! CLICK THE BUTTON:

With this trip, I hope to remind people of all ages that life is never stagnant. There is always space for change and opportunities to try something stupidly spectacular. There are new people to meet, books to read, and words yet to be written if only we stop being afraid and just do.

Help celebrate my birthday and send this crazy writer to Paris by donating to my GoFundMe. Thanks, lots of love, and boy voyage, mes amours.

PS: I’m currently re-learning French, and the best word ever is “epoustouflant,” which means “breathtaking.” It’s so much fun to say! SAY IT!

Escape Trilogy

The Escape Trilogy paperback is NOW AVAILABLE!

For those of you who have followed Andrew and Edmund’s incredible love story, the paperback edition of the Escape Trilogy is now available to order. (Trust me; these boys look beautiful on a bookshelf.)

About the series:

Andrew is an ancient immortal with dark history. Edmund is a human sailor with a thirst for both adventure and violence. Together, they build a love that could last centuries … if ghosts of the past don’t drive them apart.

Escaping Exile

Andrew is a vampire, exiled to an island as punishment for his bloodlust. During a storm, a ship crashes off shore. After rescuing a sailor from cannibals, Andrew becomes fascinated with his new companion, Edmund. Fascination turns to passion, but as cannibals creep closer—and as Andrew’s hunger threatens—can this vampire keep his human alive long enough to explore their newfound love?

Escaping Solitude

Recently returned from exile, vampire Andrew and his beloved human sailor Edmund move to New Orleans where they search for an Elder who can make Edmund immortal. A frantic letter from London propels them overseas, but an accident puts Edmund’s life in jeopardy. Only an Elder can save him, if they can find one in time.

Escaping Mortality

An Elder saves Edmund’s life at sea. Now a vampire, he can stand by Andrew’s side forever, but they must first visit Edmund’s ailing mother in England. The Elder shows an ominous liking to his new sire, while Edmund’s mother’s friend threatens them all. Andrew will do anything to keep Edmund by his side, but his most dangerous adversary may be Edmund himself.

It’s been an amazing journey with Andrew and Edmund. I love these guys, and I’ll miss spending time with them in their world. A toast to all the readers who’ve supported their love story and, in turn, supported me!

PS: If you do buy a copy, feel free to send me a picture of the boys’ happy home in your house! I’m thrilled to have the Escape Trilogy in paperback and thankful for the love you’ve given my beautiful bad boy love birds. Happy reading!

“Exploring fascinating settings like a tropical, cannibal-infested island, the bustling port city of turn-of-the-century New Orleans, and Victorian London, Sara Dobie Bauer propels her vampires through escapades and adventures while weaving a tale of love, dark magic, sensuality, and violence.” – author Elizabeth Lister

Uncategorized

A Lord to Love: Sexy, sweet LGBTQ Victorian romance

My new novella, A Lord to Love, is out today from Carnation Books. It’s a sweet, sexy LGBTQ Victorian romance inspired by the characters of BBC’s Sherlock.


During negotiations for a truce between the feuding Price and Morgan families, Lord John Morgan makes a shocking offer: he will give the Price family their land, in exchange for Harrison Price’s hand in marriage.

John has long been enamored with Harrison, the beautiful son of his late rival. Harrison is nineteen, inexperienced, and known for being cold and bitingly brilliant. The union seems impossible, but John is determined to win the affections of his young obsession.

Will the frigid Harrison concede, or will the object of John’s adoration leave him alone at the altar? Find out in this sexy, romantic tale readers are calling “deliciously carnal” and full of “swoon-worthy moments!”

What readers are saying …

“So adorable it should be a kitten. In a cravat.”

“If I could just get about 200 more pages of Harrison and John, I think I’d die happy.  Sara’s a genius at prose, and this story’s writing is marvelous, as always. I can’t say enough about this Victorian tale of love. I may or may not have girly squeeed when I read this, but so will you.”

“A terrific read. Lord John’s voice is beautifully in-style for the time period. There is something very melodic yet still masculine in the ebb and flow of his words.”


Buy your copy today from Amazon. It’s only 99-cents!

This novella is dedicated to all the Johnlock and Charmie fan fiction writers and readers who inspire me with their work but also with their hysterical screaming over things I’ve written. I love these fandoms, and A Lord to Love wouldn’t exist without the amazing support system I have found on A03. Happy reading!

 

 

writers life

Convention harassment and unwelcome God-talk

nope

I attended a convention this past weekend as a featured author and had a great time—mostly. Saturday night, after doing a Bite Somebody reading, a man approached me to tell me he already thought I was hot, but wasn’t it so cool that I was funny, too? I laughed it off. He followed me to my signing and continued to flirt, which is fine. I’m an expert at flirtation (as my husband knows). It’s part of my romance author shtick.

Later, after I’d been basically working all day as an author—panels, book signings, readings, et cetera—I had the chance to attend an after-party with a bunch of geeks like me. The guy from earlier was there, and he was annoying me, being overly flirtatious, so (tired as I was), I told him to “Fuck off.”

The next morning, he approached me asking for an apology, saying I’d really upset him by telling him to “fuck off.” So shocked by his asking, I relented and said I was sorry. We made up or something, but the onus was on me to apologize, and in a moment of confusion, I did.

Later, the guy asked for a selfies with me, and I obliged, his hand wrapped too tightly around my ribcage.

Even later, he requested my friendship on Facebook. It’s my fault that I accepted, but I didn’t know what else to do. I usually accept these things. Networking and all.

Then, later-later, this dude commented on my mental health blog, telling me Jesus was the answer to our problems. And this is  why “Christians” get a bad rap.

I’m a Christian who writes erotica and who attends church on Sunday. I’m kinda slutty and drink too much and cuss so abundantly a nun might go deaf, but I’m still a Christian.

In hindsight, how dare this guy ask me to apologize to him? How dare he say Jesus will save me? I admit, I could have responded differently when he asked for my apologies. I didn’t have to give in. I didn’t need to accept his Facebook friend request (which I have since deleted). Now, I don’t need to approve his comment on my blog.

In other words …

I know Jesus. I know the Bible, too, and even if I’m on the liberal side, I like to think I respect people. I was offended Saturday night when I was harassed on the basis of being both pretty and funny. I was offended when I had to apologize for being pissed at said harassment. I’m even more pissed right now as I’m told Jesus is the answer to my mental illness issues when I damn well know there’s a bit more to it, and nothing—not even religion—is easy.

Let us not forget: that Jesus guy had a pretty hard time. He was a rebel, living on the outskirts of society, offending people and flipping literal and metaphorical tables. If there had been leather jackets in Jerusalem, he would have worn one. Probably would have had tattoos and piercings, too, all right?

I don’t want to apologize for who I am and how I act, especially if you piss me off first. I’m polite, but maybe I was too polite this weekend.

Indeed, I am a radical, too-polite, dirty-minded Christian girl who can love both God and sex. I’m exhausted today … but I learned my lesson. As an author and woman, I don’t have to be nice to everyone at events just because I’m generally a nice person. I can be angry and rude when it’s called for, and so can you. Stand up for who you are. Let’s be radical together.

Mental Health · Uncategorized

Successfully Mad: My new mental health blog

edited

I’ve been riding the crazy train since I was fourteen, ebbing and flowing on tides of happiness, depression, and anxiety. Many writers can probably say the same. Hell, engineers can say the same. Mental illness doesn’t discriminate.

I didn’t talk openly about my mental health (or lack thereof) until Robin Williams committed suicide. I realized that if someone as “happy” as him could do such a thing, maybe there were other people struggling in silence, too. I first started writing about my personal demons; then, I gave a big speech at the University of Arizona’s Mental Health Awareness Week.

Yeah, I was terrified, but since then, I’ve spoken a lot IN PUBLIC (arrrgggguhh) about mental illness: its causes and its treatments. Last November, I had a pretty nasty relapse. My mental health was the worst it had been in years. The depression, anxiety, and overwhelming fear wouldn’t stop, negatively affecting my work, my sleep, and my relationships

Sorta scared of medication, I sought therapy instead, and my therapist suggested I start a mental health blog … so I did.

Successfully Mad: Accepting Yourself and Your Mental Illness is now up and running. There, I do my best to write honestly about what I’m going through in an attempt to exorcise my own demons and maybe help other people, too.

Mental illness is a solitary disease, but it’s important to realize you are not alone. I’m just as messed up as you, I promise. There are plenty of us out there going through similar battles with body image, self confidence, paranoia, and severe melancholy. Let’s remove the stigma and talk about it.

If you’re up for a journey, come visit me HERE at Successfully Mad and subscribe in the sidebar. (You can learn more about my mental health speech there, too, and learn a bit about my background.) I’m going to try to be brave, so be brave with me.

Whatever you’re going through, have a hug through the internet. You’re not alone, and we’re gonna get through all this nasty shit together.

We Still Live

We Still Live: A book about much more than a shooting

I’m not sure what finally pushed me over the edge. Was it the 2015 mass shooting in Paris? Was it the Orlando nightclub shooting of 2016? Was it moving to Chardon, Ohio, where, in 2012, a high school student opened fire and killed three of his classmates?

I can’t be sure of the exact moment when my brain screamed, “Enough!” I do know that the first words of the first draft of We Still Live were penned August 16, 2016. I also know I signed a contract with NineStar Press yesterday that will finally bring this manuscript to life.


A rough “about the book:”

Running from a scandal that shattered his marriage and threatened to ruin his life, Isaac Twain accepts a teaching position at Hambden University where, three months prior, Professor John Conlon stopped a campus nightmare by stepping in front of an active shooter. John carries with him the gravity of the event as well as the last words the shooter spoke before taking his own life.

When John and Isaac become faculty advisors for Being Frank, the school’s contentious literary magazine focused on the shooting and its victims, their professional relationship evolves. Despite the strict code of conduct forbidding faculty fraternization, they delve into a secret affair, both men assuaging past pain through their present embrace—until Simon arrives.

Isaac’s violent ex threatens not only their careers, but also John’s life. His PTSD triggered by an attempted attack, John must come to terms with the truth of that bloody day on College Green and the irony of his nickname, “the Hambden hero.” Isaac intends to love John completely, but he can’t with John hiding so much of himself, frightened of revealing the severity of his mental illness and its true cause. For both Isaac and John, the misdeeds of their pasts might destroy what they could become.


We Still Live is about a college shooting, but the shooting isn’t the focus; the aftermath is. What happens to the survivors, including the hero who stopped the bloodshed? What happens to a small town racked with grief?

Told by way of a tragic love story, the novel also tackles mental illness (especially depression, anxiety, and PTSD), but it’s not all sad. There’s love, too, because we need love to heal—and understanding, especially as John plummets and Isaac realizes maybe he can’t save him.

I have spent years fighting my own demons. I recently started a blog, Successfully Mad, where I write openly about my mental health battle. Like John, I have trouble watching the news. I cry every time there’s another shooting.

We Still Live is an exorcism of many personal fears. Not only is the setting based on Athens, Ohio (location of my alma mater Ohio University), but also every character is a little bit of me. The meltdowns are me. The self-medicating is me. Maybe it’s a little bit of you, too.

We Still Live is funny, sad, sexy, and dark. It’s a mirror, reflecting back the things we fear and don’t want to face. Sometimes, everything isn’t going to be all right, but that’s okay, as long as we keep living.

Release details coming soon, but many thanks to NineStar Press for believing in me and in this book.

Escape Trilogy

ESCAPING MORTALITY is here!!!

It’s officially LAUNCH DAY for the final installment of the Escape Trilogy from NineStar Press! It’s sad to “close the book” on my dark, beautiful boys, but I’m thrilled to share Escaping Mortality with you!

About book three:

Their ocean journey was successful, and Andrew and Edmund found an Elder just in time. As they wished, Edmund is now a vampire like Andrew. They have eternity together, but first, they must visit Edmund’s ailing mother in the English countryside with their flock of immortals, including the Elder, who has taken an ominous liking to his new creation.

When they arrive at Edmund’s family estate, his sick mother and her loathsome best friend await them. While ducking religious curses, Edmund struggles to harness an unexpected power gifted him by the Elder. Andrew fears for his beloved as Edmund becomes more and more monstrous—but vampires have always been monsters, haven’t they?

A battle is coming, for Edmund’s heart and his soul, and Andrew will lose neither. He escaped island exile and a near tragedy at sea to be with Edmund, the beautiful young sailor he loves. Andrew will do anything to keep Edmund by his side, but his most dangerous adversary may be Edmund himself.

Order from Amazon >>

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What people are saying …

“Andrew and Edmund have become two of my favorite vampires in literature, and they deserve every bit of their happy ending.” – author JL Gribble

“Everyone should read this vampire trilogy. It’s excellent storytelling with evocative writing and a beautiful but dangerous love story.” – author Lillian Francis

“I’m sad because this was the last installment of the trilogy, but Sara Dobie Bauer is one helluva author and wrote an EPIC ending to this tale! This story is filled with action and drama. It has plenty of angsty moments that will make your heart break a little, and it is probably my newest favorite paranormal series of all time!” – Rainbow Gold Reviews

“Sara Dobie Bauer propels her vampires through escapades and adventures while weaving a tale of love, dark magic, sensuality, and violence.” – author Elizabeth Lister

“Reflecting back on Andrew and Edmund’s experiences, I can really appreciate everything Ms. Bauer is doing with this trilogy. Of course, we’re treated to thrilling adventures, and all the intimacies this couple shares, but Ms. Bauer weaves messages about good and evil, sin and atonement, and the grace of forgiveness into the story as well.” – Kimmers’ Erotic Book Banter

Get your copy today, and find out what happens to Andrew and Edmund in the big finale of Escaping Mortality! If you didn’t already check out the Escape Trilogy fantasy movie cast, click HERE. Annnnnnnd … exciting news! The paperback edition of all three books will be released May 27 from NineStar Press, so these boys can make a happy home on your bookshelf.

Escape Trilogy

The Escape Trilogy Fantasy Movie Cast

I know it’s totally unrealistic for everyone to be hot, but this is my series and everyone is hot. Take THAT.

With the release of Escaping Mortality imminent (Monday, people), I thought it was time I revealed the actors I pictured while writing the dark, tempestuous love story of Andrew and Edmund. Since the beginning, these boys have been through a lot, including but not limited to: exile, shipwreck, cannibals, New Orleans gangsters, hungry vampires, and finally a life-threatening injury in the middle of the ocean.

In Escaping Mortality, nothing gets easier. In fact, things get more difficult (or, if I wanted to make a sex joke, harder). Will love prevail? Can Andrew save his beloved sailor one more time … or will Edmund have to do the saving? Find out Monday.

In the meantime, you can pre-order your copy of Escaping Mortality HERE. Also in the meantime, enjoy the fantasy movie cast. AND!!! AND!!! Let me know who you pictured while reading! I would love to hear!

THE ESCAPE TRILOGY FANTASY MOVIE CAST

Alexander Skarsgard as Andrew, our vampire hero

Ever since True Blood, this dude has been under my skin (and I wouldn’t mind him under my shirt). As a vampire, Andrew is a balance of sex and danger. He (used to) play with his victims, and this bad behavior got him exiled in the first place. Then, he meets Edmund and becomes a softie … sort of. Not really. He’s still just as dangerous, but he’s also desperately in love and will fight to protect what’s his. Skarsgard is the perfect mix of bad boy with a sensitive side. He’s my perfect Andrew (especially with those abs. Sweet baby Jesus).

Timothee Chalamet as Edmund, seventh Duke of Wilshire and shipwrecked sailor

True, Edmund is a brilliant naturalist and skilled sailor when he washes up on Andrew’s island in book one, but he’s also terribly pretty. He’s a funny guy, a friendly guy, unless you piss him off, which is when the unexpected Bad Ass Factor appears. I see this duality in Chalamet (although, I realize, we gotta age him up a couple years). He’s super pretty and sweet, but he gets this “I’m sexy and I know it” look in his eyes sometimes that knocks a girl over. Edmund is sweet and beautiful, but he’s got serious issues that only begin surfacing in book two. In book three, those issues are at the forefront, and Chalamet would rock Edmund’s bad boy side. GIF evidence:

Tilda Swinton as Michelle, coven leader, and Stuart Townsend as Felipe, her loyal love

Can’t go wrong with Tilda Swinton in anything, but she’d be a perfect match for cold-hearted vampire leader Michelle in the Escape Trilogy. True, she exiled Andrew to a tropical island, but hey, he wouldn’t have met Edmund otherwise … so maybe she’s a hero? I really do love Michelle, even when she’s bloodthirsty. And she would be terribly lonely without her constant companion Felipe, Andrew’s old friend who might enjoy a good murder even more than our leading male. After seeing Stuart Townsend play the vampire Lestat, I’m convinced he actually is a vampire and would therefore be perfect for the role of fancy boy Felipe.

Gabriel Byrne as the Elder, Brien

There’s something agelessly sexy about Gabriel Byrne. I would have humped him in the 1980s; I’d hump him now. Although Brien, our Elder, doesn’t show much emotion, there’s a depth to his character that expresses eternity. He’s drawn to Edmund (much to Andrew’s dismay), but that is the relationship between maker and sire. However, Brien is hiding something, isn’t he? Wonder what it is …

Miranda Richardson as Lady Patricia and Mary Steenburgen as Evelyn, Edmund’s mum

Edmund’s mother is ill in the English countryside, which is why they rush to her in book three. True, she and Edmund have been at odds, considering she saw his sexual escapades as something to be “healed.” But she’s still his mother, and Edmund still loves her. Lady Patricia, on the other hand, is pure evil wrapped in a religious bow. I loved Richardson in Sleepy Hollow, so she thoroughly inspired Lady Patricia. Steenburgen impressed me as a semi-villain in Justified, so she works here as Edmund’s ailing mum, showcasing tough love with a side of madness.

Kevin Adrian as sweetie boy Flynn

I’m already getting screams from readers that Flynn needs his own book. This beautiful blood slave has the entire coven under his thrall … but sad boy only has eyes for Edmund. Flynn is so sweet and so soft with his floofy red hair and pouty lips. Adrian has the perfect look for our dear human. Is there more to come for heartbroken Flynn? One never knows.

Okay, I did my part. What do you think of the fantasy movie cast? Who do you think would make a perfect Andrew, Edmund, Brien, Flynn ….? Do tell!

And don’t forget to pre-order your copy of Escaping Mortality. Book birthday is MONDAY!