The Wrong Christians

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I’ve heard the phrase “hanging out with the wrong crowd.” Usually, this is in regards to teenagers hanging out with kids who drink, smoke, and cuss. Usually, this refers to people who are a bad influence. It wasn’t until recently that I realized there’s such a thing as “hanging out with the wrong Christians.”

As a practicing Christian, I realize I’m not the poster child of morality. I drink, smoke, and cuss, for instance. I also write gay and straight erotica. I have a terrible temper, and I do not “Let the little children come to me,” like Jesus said. (No. Really. Keep the children away from me.)

As an educated Christian, I realize we don’t all hold to the same doctrine. We differ in our beliefs due to Biblical interpretation and denominational guidelines. I understand this, but I did think we all had one thing in common: LOVE.

I don’t know about your god, but mine is loving. For example, Psalm 36:7 says, “How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of Your wings.”

I attended a Bible study recently (not at my own church, praise the Lord) that made me feel anything but loved. Instead, I felt sick.

Some gems from said Bible study included:
Homosexuals can’t be Christians.
Women shouldn’t be pastors.
Although unrelated, Halloween and meditation are both quite evil.

As a gay rights supporter, woman, and Halloween enthusiast, you can understand my distress. I sat through said Bible study silently because I understood these teachers were not “my Christians.” These were people with differing opinions than my own, and we will never agree.

Their teaching almost made me decide to quit my current ministry efforts because I didn’t want to work with these “wrong Christians” (not that they’re wrong in their beliefs, because who am I to judge? Their beliefs are just wrong for me. Very, very wrong).

However, when I got home yesterday after Bible study, I explained my concerns to Jake. Brilliant man that he is, he pointed out that I have to continue my ministry so that I can preach my God—a God of love, acceptance, and forgiveness.

My husband really is a smart guy. Saturday night, he had a dream that the apocalypse came and God chose a select group of humans to basically restart civilization. The conversation Sunday morning went something like this …

Sara: Well, I’m pretty sure God would never choose someone as messed up as me to restart civilization.

Jake: Actually, He would pick people exactly like you. Look at how messed up all the heroes were in the Bible.

Sara: Oh. Right. Huh.

God doesn’t only care about perfect people. He doesn’t only care about people who follow all His rules or people who point fingers at sinners. He doesn’t only care about the non-drinkers, non-smokers, non-cussers. He cares about everyone, and He cares forever.

Christian author Jim Burns said, “God loves you not for what you do but for who you are. You never need to earn God’s love. He loves you because you are His special creation. Because of God’s unconditional love, you are free to blossom into all He wants you to be. His love has no strings attached.”

Now, that’s a Bible study I can get behind! As we enter a new week—a new dreaded Monday—I think it’s time we remembered to love. Love each other. Love God. Love life, even when it’s ugly and messed up. Even when we’re ugly and messed up.

My mom quoted the Book of Matthew to me this morning: “Live as the light that you are.” My light might be tinted purple and flicker sometimes, but yeah, I plan to live brightly, surrounded by people who “get me” and love me, despite all my mistakes, imperfections, and f-bombs.

Bite Somebody Else release date PLUS join the BSE Army

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This year is the year of Bite Somebody Else, due to be released (drum roll) June 20th. That’s right, folks, we have an official release date.

JUNE 20. JUNE 20. JUNE 20. Mark your calendars!!!!!

If you’d like to read all about the sequel to Bite Somebody, click HERE.

As I prepare for exciting things like the cover reveal and completion of the Bite Somebody screenplay, I ask you to enlist in the Bite Somebody Else Army.

Members of my BSE Army receive news about Celia, Ian, and Imogene as soon as it’s released via email. In exchange, I ask that you share my exciting news on your social media. Whether that be on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or Tumblr, I need help spreading the news about Bite Somebody Else.

If you’d like to join the BSE Army, feel free to:
Email me at sara@saradobie.com.
OR
Leave your email address in the comments below.

As most people know, it’s super important for authors to have promotional help with new releases. With Bite Somebody Else coming June 20th, I need your help. Yes, you! So please consider joining the BSE Army and keep up to date on all things vamp. #Imogene4Life

How to be friends with someone with an anxiety disorder

1. Do invite me to parties filled with strangers because I need a reason to shower.
When you do, give me a week’s notice so I can practice smiling without wincing. I will also make up a dozen intelligent phrases to sprinkle into the conversation. For instance, “Funyuns are actually pig intestine.” And, for the love of God, don’t leave me alone.

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2. Do invite me to parties filled with people I actually know because friends are good.
In this situation, understand I really have to be on point because I will see these people again, and sometimes, that’s nice because they know I’m weird from previous encounters. Other times, it’s worse because I just get weirder every time they see me.

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3. Do send me random gifs of Benedict Cumberbatch.
This man’s ridiculous giggle is quite soothing.

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4. Do make sure all the pictures in your house are straight.
If your pictures are crooked when I come over, I’ll walk around fixing them for a half hour before realizing you’re still in the room.

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5. Do learn to recognize my “Get Me The Hell Out Of Here” face.
When things start going south (usually about two hours into any social situation), I start looking like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. When this happens, kindly usher me to the nearest exit.

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6. Do not hand me a small child without asking first.
If you honestly think throwing a baby at me is a good idea, may the consequences be on your head. It’s not that I’m scared of children. It’s just that I think I’ll drop them and I’m scared of children.

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7. Do forget when I say awkward things.
Sometimes, I might text you after we’ve hung out to say, “OMG, I can’t believe I said THAT. Please forgive me.” You probably won’t remember I said THAT, but I’ll have been obsessing over THAT for the past three hours.

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8. Do expect me to cancel plans without a viable excuse.
Some days, I can’t leave the house. Admitting this to you is way better than me breaking a finger on purpose just so I can say, “Hey, broke my finger. Rain check?”

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9. Do not talk to me at the gym.
The gym is a very safe place where I am in the zone. If you break that zone, I might notice I’m in public, surrounded by sweaty strangers. Don’t let me notice.

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10. Do laugh when I immediately assume everyone hates me.
Basically, every day, I think someone hates me. Realistically, I don’t think people hate me, but my anxiety does, so laugh. I might just laugh with you.

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Sherlock and Our Final Problem

SPOILER ALERT. SPOILER ALERT. If you have not watched all of BBC Sherlock’s season 4, stop reading immediately. SPOILER ALERT. SPOILER ALERT.

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As of last night, we’ve come to the end of an era. Although some reviewers have been saying things like “this certainly can’t be the last season” of Sherlock, I disagree. Last night’s episode, “The Final Problem,” was indeed the final episode—and the show’s creators, Gatiss and Moffat, had been preparing us all season long.

Well. I say “all season,” but it’s not like we had ten episodes. No, as Sherlock fans, we always only get three, but, in the case of this final season, the three episodes were really just one long episode that culminated in fully developed characters and plot lines decisively closed.

I won’t get into the nitty-gritty. If you watched all of season four, you know what happened (good and bad). After last night’s episode, my husband expected me to be sobbing. I wasn’t. In fact, I was grinning like a goose, possibly relieved that everyone important lived, possibly because the final montage was just so damn cheerful. It took hours for me to wind down from my Sherlock high.

This morning, I reassess as I take a look back at season four in its entirety.

The first episode, “The Six Thatchers,” was brilliantly acted, had a kick ass Cumberbatch fight scene, and killed off one of the show’s lead characters. The second episode, “The Lying Detective,” was arguably the best of the entire series (despite poor Sherlock looking like a beat up drug addict for its duration). “The Lying Detective” is the episode that will win this show awards. Awards should, in fact, be thrown at Cumberbatch and Freeman’s feet for that episode and no one could tell me otherwise.

sherl4Then, “The Final Problem” premiered. I loved the casting of Sian Brooke (I adored her as Ophelia in Cumberbatch’s Hamlet and really enjoy seeing them work together). The revelation of a secret psychotic sister was brilliant. Despite the amazing, again, emotional performances from not only Cumberbatch and Freeman but also Gatiss and Brooke, the episode took suspension of disbelief to a whole new level with its escape room tactics and melodrama.

The further revelations into Sherlock’s childhood were heart-wrenching (as was that tragic “I love you” moment between Sherlock and Molly). Yet, in the end, everything was all right. Sherlock even managed to save his crazy sister via the medium of music. They could finally “play” together.

“The Final Problem” wasn’t my favorite episode. I haven’t read many reviews yet today, and I don’t plan to. I don’t need to. I also haven’t perused Tumblr, because I know the Johnlock hordes are going to be up in arms over the fact that John and Sherlock never kissed and the series is over. Resolutely, the series is over, although for the Johnlock shippers, it could be argued that John and Sherlock are some sort of couple—platonic—as they are back living together and raising a child while Sherlock apparently balances the women who try to love him: Molly and Irene Adler. More importantly, they’re back to being the crime fighters of Arthur Conan Doyle canon.

What mattered most to me in season four was the character of Sherlock and not only because I’m singularly obsessed with Cumberbatch. The show is called Sherlock, after all. The show is about the man, his friends background noise to the great detective’s struggles.

As a writer, I was impressed with what Gatiss and Moffat achieved with Sherlock’s character development. We all remember the coarse man of season one, blind to social graces. In season four, we find a man who has learned to love his friends, protect his friends. He was so soft, even giving a comforting hug to John Watson after the loss of his wife. He saved John. He saved his sister. He even saved his imperious elder brother.

The moment that resounded most was in “The Lying Detective,” after Sherlock’s pained pronouncement of “I don’t want to die” in the hospital bed. It happened while sitting in the quiet warmth of 221B, chatting with John. Sherlock suggested he might come and see John’s daughter, and that moment—that single look—showed how vulnerable our coarse, biting detective had become.

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I realize the famed stories of Sherlock Holmes are thrilling mysteries, and from my time spent reading Conan Doyle, he wasn’t huge on character development, which is where Gatiss and Moffat surpass him. This show wasn’t about a calculating, brilliant man solving mysteries; it was about a calculating, brilliant man becoming weak, human, and ultimately, loved despite his flaws—by his fellow characters and by us, the fans.

People are going to complain today that they didn’t get everything they wanted from Sherlock’s final season. I get that. (For instance, I would have liked the reappearance of Irene Adler in the flesh, as opposed to just on Sherlock’s phone, since she is arguably the love of his life.) Despite complaints, we will all remember this show fondly for not only introducing many of us to Benedict Cumberbatch but for introducing us to a new Sherlock Holmes: a man riddled with demons and yet fighting to keep them at bay for the sake of the people who love him.

As Sherlock perceptively said, “Taking your own life. Interesting expression. Taking it from whom? Once it’s over it’s not you who will miss it. Your own death is something that happens to everybody else. Your life is not your own, keep your hands off it.” Thanks for sharing your “life” with us, Sherlock. It was one hell of a ride, and we will indeed miss you an awful lot, you beautiful bastard.

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LEGENDARY, spooky urban legends with a romantic twist, now available

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Urban legends. We’ve all heard them, and we’ve all told them. They fill the role that fairy tales once held—morality lessons meant to frighten us into sticking with the herd, obeying society’s rules, and not taking any chances.

In most urban legends, once someone transgresses, we know things won’t end well for them. In other words, drink or have sex and you’re dead. But what if romance gets in the way of total terror? What if romance, in fact, saves the day?

LEGENDARY is the newest anthology from Pen and Kink Publishing, and it’s out today. (Buy it HERE.) For my story, I went with an old classic: the couple making out in the car who gets attacked by a hook man. Of course, I made my couple two gay college dudes. And the hook guy? Well, he’s got some history.

Of all the stories in LEGENDARY, mine is by far the most ridiculous, but that’s due to my love for B-horror films and camp comedy. Here’s a teaser of “Not Again.” To see how things work out for Rob and Colin, you’ll have to buy a copy of this spine-tingling anthology!


“Not Again”
By Sara Dobie Bauer
Featured in LEGENDARY

Mord Hollow College sat less than a mile from the rocky, often frigid Oregon coast like a gargoyle hanging from the side of a grand cathedral. Colin liked its grand spires, poking up into the habitually gray skies. He liked how it resembled a Carpathian castle, identical to something Bram Stoker would have imagined, but more so, he liked its proximity to the sea—and the fact that Rob Clooney walked its green, tree-lined paths.

As Colin and his housemate, Izzy, loaded the back of their car full of cases of beer, he considered the remaining months of his senior year and the likelihood he would graduate never knowing what Rob’s mouth tasted like.

“You’re doing it again,” Izzy said, bottle of whisky in his hand.

“Doing what?”

“Pining.”

Colin slammed the trunk of his beat up automobile, a hand-me-down from his parents who lived a couple hours away. Colin had only set foot outside Oregon once, and that was to see the California Redwoods on a family vacation. Depending on where he got a job as a hotshot reporter, he could end up anywhere. The thought frightened and thrilled him in equal measure… sort of like Rob.

He circled to the front of the car. “Do we have enough blankets? What about firewood?”

legendaryMouth full of whisky, Izzy leaned his head back and gargled, “Pining.”

“I’m not pining. I’m thinking. I want to make sure everyone has a good time tonight.”

“Did you invite Roberto?”

Colin winced. “Don’t call him that. He’s not even Hispanic. He’s paler than—”

“Freshly fallen snow,” Izzy sang.

“God, I hate you.” He laughed and climbed into the driver seat. Colin only ever drove his car to the ocean, so it smelled like salt and mold inside. They didn’t technically need to drive to the seaside, but it was the general consensus that carrying multiple cases of beer through the woods just off campus sucked. Ergo, they drove. He started up his car. It wheezed, sputtered, and vibrated as the engine kicked to life.

“That’s our pretty girl.” Izzy pet the dashboard and took another glug of cheap liquor as Colin pulled out of their driveway.

They lived in a crooked house a block from campus. The roof leaked when it rained, which was often, but it was all either journalism student could afford.

“So you didn’t invite him?”

“No, Izzy, I didn’t invite Rob Clooney.”

“Tick-tock-tick-tock.”

Colin pointed his car toward the black sea, stars overhead. They were lucky to have a clear night, although a possible thunderstorm was in the forecast for later. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“One semester left before you have to leave campus, get an actual job, and stop ogling the kid on a daily basis.”

Colin scoffed. “I do not ogle.”

“You get pathetic puppy dog face whenever he’s in a twenty foot radius.” Izzy reached into his back pocket.

“You will not smoke in my car, and you know it.”

“No shit, Sherlock. I got Rob’s number today, and I invited him.”

“What?” Colin’s grip wobbled on the wheel, making the car sway across the narrow road.

Izzy’s thumbs poked away at his keyboard, and light illuminated the acne scars on his face like sunshine crossing the moon. “Did you not want him to come to the kick ass drunk fest we’re about to have so that you could take advantage of him?”

“I wouldn’t—Izzy, he doesn’t party. Everyone knows that. He’s a health nut and with good reason.”

Rob Clooney was one of the only male dance majors at Mord Hollow College. Not only was he a dance major, but he was also a ballet dancer. Colin never knew ballet could be sexy until he covered a school dance show for the college newspaper. That damned show had changed, possibly ruined, Colin forever. Once he saw Rob flying across that stage, dark eyes ablaze, there was really no use hitting on anyone else. No one else would ever compare.

“I told Rob you have a crush on him.”

Colin hit the brakes.


To read the rest of “Not Again,” as well as four other amazing scary-sexy stories, buy your copy of LEGENDARY by clicking HERE. And if you’re of the social media ilk, we’re having our Facebook launch party tonight. Come join us for some silly fun and book giveaways from 5-7 PM EST HERE.

Vampires, movie magic, and best books: 2016 in review

Every December, I do inventory of what the hell happened over the course of the previous twelve months. As you may have noticed, 2016 was (by far) the most chaotic and successful of my life … which might be why I refuse to get dressed today. In fact, you’re lucky I’m even sitting upright. In homage to a year of utter, beautiful insanity, I offer you a look back.

1. BITE SOMEBODY

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Dreams do come true. After years of angst, in June, my first published novel was released into the innocent, unsuspecting world. Bite Somebody–a ridiculous paranormal romantic comedy about an awkward vampire, her sexy human surfer boy, and a psychotic blood-sucking best friend–found fans the world over. I hosted two massively successful (and anxiety-inducing) launch parties and attended my first conventions as an author. If you haven’t picked up your copy yet, click HERE, because as you may have heard, the sequel, Bite Somebody Else, comes out in 2017. The rodeo is far from over, folks. With all the upcoming promo and additional events, let’s just hope I don’t start looking rode hard and put away wet.

2. DECENT PEOPLE

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Once upon a time, I was an actress, so when my high school buddy asked me to be in a movie, I agreed. I had an absolute blast making Decent People, but I had no idea how hard it is to make a full-length film. (You can read all about it HERE.) Despite the laughs and new friends made, I walked away from the experience with bronchitis, laryngitis, and a phobia of having to smoke on screen ever again. (The reality just isn’t as sexy as it looks.) The film should be released in spring or summer of 2017. Since I refused to watch the dailies, I’ll surely watch the film from between my fingers, but I’m so glad I got the opportunity to slip back into my acting shoes–and have a damn good time playing a bitch in the process.

3. MODELING

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Moving to Ohio from Phoenix (where I had a full, colorful cast of photographer friends), I wasn’t sure how much modeling I would do in my new state. Surprise! About a ton. Thanks to networking, I’ve gotten to shoot in a famous cemetery, in a creepy church basement, and yes, in my underwear. I even got to do a runway show in Cleveland. As always, I encourage everyone to do a photo shoot at least once. You won’t believe what you look like on camera, and when you’re old and crinkly, you’ll be amazed at how beautiful you are and always have been. (Above photos thanks to Bill Thornhill, Devon Adams, Steph Gentry, and Dennis Mong.)

4. SHORT STORIES

Other than Bite Somebody, what else got thrown into the world this year?

Wolf Among Sheep (Hot Ink Press)
“I was not at all prepared for what I deduce you proposed yesterday,” he says. I just adore that strange accent, so much like my husband’s: a mismatch of places and times, trapped somewhere between New York and the low south—musical yet clipped and precise.
“What exactly do you deduce we proposed?” I ask.
“That I enter into a sexual relationship with a married couple.”
I laugh; people around us turn to stare. I take Timothy’s hand. “Well. Perhaps these Americans aren’t quite as close-minded as I thought.”

I Hate Myself for Loving You (Lunch Ticket Magazine)
Timmy shoves him over and joins him in the dirt. He thumps Jason in the side of the face. I think I should tell them to stop—scream it even. Instead, coward that I am, my boys keep going until they see blood. Then, they fall back. They yell about catching Jason’s “gay disease,” named by some mad scientists a couple years back in ‘82. My best friends drag me away.
Jason rolls onto his side in the dirt and wipes at the split skin below his right eye. He doesn’t look up at me, but I keep watching as we hurry from the scene of the crime. I keep watching Jason and think I’d like to wipe his blood all over me.

The Saguaro Apocalypse (Stoneslide Corrective “Striking Use of Wit” Winner)
I opened the door. At first I thought it was some really tall, skinny dude with short arms.
Then, I realized it was a saguaro cactus. Must have been a young one, since its limbs were only about two feet long and pin wheeling in my face. I had the momentary thought: What the hell was in that weed? The cactus kept brandishing its T-Rex arms at me.
“Thomas?”
“What now?” I heard the shuffling of his sock-clad feet.
By the time Thomas reached me, the cactus was banging its rounded top against the doorframe; guess it couldn’t figure how to duck.

You’re Glowing (Omnia Veritas Review)
I haven’t had sex in two years. This unfortunate situation could be ignored except men have started glowing. The doorman outside my apartment glows dark blue, like his nicely tailored suits. I shudder beneath his smile and barely acknowledge his mannerly door holding.
The cop on the corner near the elementary school, he glows green. I don’t know if he’s supposed to, but he always holds up his orange “Don’t Walk” sign when I pass his crosswalk. He winks at me every day, which makes my forehead sweat.
The guy who makes my morning coffee glows pink. I hate the color pink, but I don’t hold it against him. He’s always nice to me. He tells me I smell good. I’m probably old enough to be his mother.

Forget Me Do (Red Rose Review)
Her friends called her a witch. It was only a joke. Whenever one of the girls posted on Facebook that she felt a cold coming on, Debra was on the road with her herbal tea mixtures and tinctures. Then, miraculously, within days, her girlfriends would be completely healed and winning track meets. That was why they called her a witch. That and, well …
“You just made out with Stan in the back of his dad’s car.”
“I hate when you do that,” Rebecca said.
Debra couldn’t help knowing things.

If It Ain’t Broke (Marked by Scorn Anthology)
“This thing for Henry Oliver … You’ve got it under control, right?”
“Of course. I’d never do anything about it.”
“You are kind of touchy-feely with the kid.”
Nate slowly turned his mug on the sticky, wooden table. “God, am I?”
Ella shrugged one shoulder. “A little. I think it’s cute, but other people might not.”

Ghosts of Ice Cream (Bop Dead City)
My fingers rest like a sleeping spider against his collarbone. I breathe the scent of him: salty sweat with an undercurrent of men’s cologne, leftover from his day at the office. He take small inhales, exhales, and hums a little when my fingers touch his throat.
And then I hear it: the ice cream truck. I finally recognize the song: an off-key, off-tempo version of “Beyond the Sea” that comes to me like screams through water. It was our wedding song. I shiver and pull closer to Michael, who falls apart, a pile of ash in my hands.

Sick Like Me (Honeydew Erotic Review)
“What kind of help do you need exactly?”
Evan shrugged. He played with the strap on his motorcycle helmet. He had long, skeletal fingers with squeaky-clean nails. He chewed on his bottom lip. “You think I’m attractive.”
“I’m sure a lot of people think you’re attractive.”
Evan shook his head. “I’m not talking about them.”
Cam sighed. “You’re making this too easy.”

5. BOOKS READ: 58!!

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Best of the best:
The Summer That Melted Everything by Tiffany McDaniel
Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Saenz
Wreck You by Randi Perrin
The Train Derails in Boston by Jessica McHugh
Captive Prince Trilogy by CS Pacat

6. COMING IN 2017

Bite Somebody Else (Bite Somebody, #2). Read all about it HERE.
“Not Again” – LEGENDARY Anthology (January 13)
“They Lived in the House On Cherry Street” – Black Denim Lit
“The Emmett File” – Stoneslide Corrective
“Painted Red” – kINKED Anthology
Enchanted Series: Magic SparkPen and Kink Publishing

Frankly, I’m exhausted just reading all this. I guess I should go take a nap, duck and cover until 2017 officially rolls around. I do want to thank everyone who supported me this year, whether that involved a Tweet or a glass of whiskey. I have wonderful friends, family, and fans, and I could not have achieved all of this without YOU. So here comes my British boyfriend to blow you a kiss … Cheers!

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Announcing Bite Somebody Else

Oh, joy of joys! Just in time for Christmas, Bite Somebody Else has magically appeared on Goodreads, and I’m … well …

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The official release date isn’t set in stone yet, but the back cover copy is. Read all about Imogene’s mad adventures in Bite Somebody, Book #2, and be sure to add this one to your Goodreads “Want To Read” list by clicking HERE.  #Imogene4Life


Imogene helped her newbie vampire friend Celia hook up with an adorable human, but now Celia has dropped an atomic bomb of surprise: she has a possibly blood-sucking baby on the way. Imogene is not pleased, especially when a mysterious, ancient, and annoyingly gorgeous vampire historian shows up to monitor Celia’s unprecedented pregnancy.

Lord Nicholas Christopher Cuthbert III is everything Imogene hates: posh, mannerly, and totally uninterested in her. Plus, she thinks he’s hiding something. So what if he smells like a fresh garden and looks like a rich boarding school kid just begging to be debauched? Imogene has self-control. Or something.

As Celia’s pregnancy progresses at a freakishly fast pace, Imogene and Nicholas play an ever-escalating game of will they or won’t they, until his sexy maker shows up on Admiral Key, forcing Nicholas to reveal his true intentions toward Celia’s soon-to-arrive infant.

COMING IN 2017 …

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The 7 Best Horror-Comedy Films

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Due to my overwhelming humbug-ness, I’ve eschewed the traditional “Best Christmas Movie” list to post a list much closer to my twisted, little heart. In this time of joy and cheer, I find nothing brightens my day more than screaming and demon decapitations. Therefore, my holiday gift to you: a list of the seven best horror-comedies.

You heard me. Some of you might not be familiar with the idea of a horror-comedy, but they exist and they are glorious. Films of this genre are usually ridiculous, covered in gore, and completely inappropriate. If you find pleasure in any of these attributes, read on. Cuddle up by the fire with your hot cocoa and bask in the beauty of flying body parts and gratuitous boob shots. Counting down …

7. Zombeavers

A vacation weekend turns into madness and horror for a bunch of drunken groupies looking for fun in a beaver-infested swamp. But not just any beavers. Zombie beavers! These big-toothed bullies are out for blood. Not only do you get some horrendous animatronics (think Princess Bride’s ROUS), but you also get sex, bad puns, and an unfortunate castration. Nothing says Christmas cheer like an unfortunate castration.

6. Re-Animator

A dedicated student at a medical college and his girlfriend become involved in bizarre experiments centering around the re-animation of dead tissue when an odd new student arrives on campus. Pure 80s fun, this retelling of Lovecraft’s short story of the same name is chock full of one-liners. (My personal favorite: “Cat dead. Details later.”) Again, blood and body parts fly! There’s nudity and, well, a living decapitated head with dubious intent. Don’t forget the horrible soundtrack. You’ll be ho-ho-ho-ing all the way to the morgue.

5. Witching and Bitching

A coven of witches traps a gang of escaping jewelry thieves. True, since this is a Spanish horror flick, you have to deal with subtitles, but it’s totally worth it as this group of bumbling criminals become the captives of some seriously no-good witchy bitches. The jokes are, of course, over the top, but the dialogue is brilliant and there’s a naked, silver Jesus. Yes, a savior is born.

4. Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead

Still on the run from a group of Nazi zombies, a man seeks the aid of American zombie enthusiasts and discovers new techniques for fighting the zombies. Come on, Nazi zombies, people. (And don’t worry about watching the first one. Just watch this one.) As with all zombie films, you have to deal with a ton of gore, but the plot is fast-moving and actually makes a lot of sense. Plus, there’s a guy with a zombie hand, and geeky, idiot zombie hunters run amok. Blood in the snow is very festive this time of year!

3. Army of Darkness

A man is accidentally transported to 1300 AD, where he must battle an army of the dead and retrieve the Necronomicon so he can return home. I understand that film snobs will disapprove of me choosing the third in the Evil Dead trilogy and not the original, but sue me; this one’s the funniest. (“Gimme some sugar, baby.”) Bruce Campbell is comic-horror gold as he pulls some Three Stooges gags and reels off one-liners fast as Santa filling stockings.

2. Deathgasm

Two teenage metal heads unwittingly summon an ancient evil entity known as The Blind One by delving into black magic while trying to escape their mundane lives. Oh, you crazy New Zealanders with your cute accents! The writing in this film is absolutely dazzling, including asides that’ll make you break a rib laughing. The brilliance of this movie is in its use of unexpected plot twists and its love of all things hard rock—and the gore. The gore is gorgeous. Nothing says Christmas snacks like your neighbors vomiting blood in the streets!

THE WINNER
1. Tucker & Dale vs. Evil

White trash dudes Tucker and Dale are on vacation at their dilapidated mountain cabin when they are attacked by a group of preppy college kids. Although the story is great, it’s the lead actors who make this movie. Their response to a bunch of strangers accidentally dying at every turn is comic gold, and they achieve that extreme level of comic genius without being crass or obscene—which is saying something in the modern horror genre. If you ignore the rest of the list, consider this my generous holiday gift to you: a movie to warm the cockles of your heart and make you reconsider the many uses of a wood chipper.

A Bite Somebody Christmas Special

It’s been called the Pretty in Pink of vampire novels. Bridget Jones with fangs. One reader said, “If you like imagining midnight swims with Benedict Cumberbatch while listening to David Bowie, this is the book for you.” Another reader bemoaned, “This needs to be made into a TV show so I can see it and then complain how it’s not enough like the book. Someone make that happen.” There’s even a hashtag: #Imogene4Life.

BiteSomebody_finalOf course, I’m talking about Bite Somebody.

Released in June of this year, my first novel is a comic take on vampire lore, set in the sweltering heat of Southern Florida. I’ve been blessed by fans who’ve fallen in love with awkward Celia, bad girl Imogene, and sexy surfer Ian. If you’re a blog follower of mine, you’ve probably read Bite Somebody, but what about that friend of yours who needs a good laugh? What about the sister-in-law who loves romance stories? What about that neighbor who loves Anne Rice?

That’s right: it’s Christmas gift time! Here are some options for the vampire / love / comedy / Florida enthusiast in your life:

  1. My amazing publisher, World Weaver Press, is offering free shipping and a dollar off retail cost for the month of December if you order directly from their online store by clicking HERE.
  2. I’m offering you the chance to get signed, personalized copy of Bite Somebody, along with a free Bite Somebody beer koozie. If interested, email me: sara@saradobie.com. We’ll do some Paypal magic and, voila, unique Christmas gift for book nerds everywhere!

I’ve been so blessed this year with kudos, reviews, and general fan hysteria over my ridiculous little novel. And before you even ask, the sequel, Bite Somebody Else, is with my editor and will be available summer of 2017. (For a teaser excerpt, click HERE. This one’s all about Imogene!)

I hope you’ll consider buying Bite Somebody for somebody special this holiday season. And remember, kids: only bite the people you love. Ho-ho-ho! (Who you calling a ho?)

xmas

Why write Sherlock fan fiction?

vamp3

Most people don’t know there’s a community of writers out there who pen what’s known as “fan fiction.” Fan fiction is when you take your favorite show (in my case, BBC’s Sherlock), steal the ready-made characters, and put them in whatever situations and scenarios you can imagine.

As devout fans, we know our shows and their characters, so we’re best suited for writing fan fiction. For instance, I know literally everything about Sherlock. I’ve watched every episode a million times. I can practically think like the lead characters, which is why I gave Sherlock fan fiction a try. That and, oh, I GET REALLY FREAKING TIRED OF WAITING A YEAR FOR A NEW EPISODE!

Ahem.

Excuse my outburst, but see, this is part of the draw of writing fan fiction: During the off time between seasons, we as a community band together and keep each other warm and fed via the medium of the written word. My favorite community is called Archive of Our Own (or AO3), where my work is not only read but applauded, championed, and followed by other Sherlock nerds like me. (But don’t feel left out. There’s fan fiction for Supernatural, The X-Files, Harry Potter, the list goes on, too.)

It’s amazing, really. An example: I saw a picture on Tumblr last week that inspired a quick, little thousand word one-shot called “Making History.” I typed up the story, posted it on AO3, and congratulated myself on a job well done.

The next morning, though, I received reviews. Here’s a taste:
Oh my god you have to continue that was so great.
You’re doing the Lord’s work here. You’re a hero.
WORDS NOT WORKING. FIC TOO AMAZING.
I didn’t know I needed this until now. Oh God, yes, this was wonderful.
You are so amazzzing. It’s so beautiful I can’t even …

I had never planned on writing a chapter two, but I couldn’t just let my fellow Sherlockians stew. I posted chapter four yesterday, and the dialogue between writer and reader continues, because that’s a big part of writing fan fiction: the reviews and conversation between fans.

Fan fiction is an outlet for fan imaginations, and it feeds our addiction (especially us poor, desperate Sherlock fans). In our case, fan fiction also allows us to entertain the infamous idea of Johnlock: that Sherlock and John are actually romantically interested in each other. Trust me: this craze is devouring Tumblr–and, honestly, it’s practically written into the actual TV show …

johnloc

For the curious reader, you’ll find names, synopses, and links to my fan fiction on AO3 below. Most of it is for mature audiences only, because another thing about Sherlock: the sexual tension is everywhere and yet it seems no one is getting laid. We fan fiction authors make damn sure everyone gets laid.

If you have a fandom you follow, I suggest searching A03 and finding your niche. I will warn you, though: it’s a dangerous game, as fan fiction is terribly addicting.

Making History
Sherlock Holmes lay unconscious and handcuffed to John’s bed. John had been waiting for this day ever since he’d first met the consulting detective. He’d been waiting for centuries really. (John/Sherlock. Vampire John. Things get dark.)

This is Not a Safe House, Part I
Sherlock is shot while rescuing Irene Adler in Karachi. Fighting to stay alive, they seek shelter in a safe house, and Irene must help the consulting detective who needs help from no one. (Irene/Sherlock. First of a popular series of three.)

You Were Wrong About Him
An aging John Watson looks back on how he fell in love with his husband—and how it was all due to a nightmare. (John/Sherlock. A real tear-jerker.)

Promise
Sherlock takes a bullet for John, and John forces him to make a promise he can’t possibly keep. (John/Sherlock just friends.)

Mating Habits
At twenty, Sherlock Holmes was already handsome. Luella suspected he would one day be decadent. He would one day be very bad for someone. (Fictional female character/Sherlock. Angst!)

Mine
Having only lived in 221B for a month, John Watson is still learning the ways of his bizarre yet entrancing flat mate. However, one night, when he finds Sherlock Holmes being kissed by a married man, John realizes he doesn’t want to share his brilliant consulting detective with anyone. (John/Sherlock. Lestrade/Sherlock.)

Catching His Scent
After the fall, Molly Hooper is alone in the morgue when she catches Sherlock’s scent. (Molly/Sherlock.)

Hidden in Plain Sight
What if Sherlock Holmes isn’t as asexual as John Watson thinks? Following a near death experience, John’s anger at his flat mate leads to an admission, followed by a slight sexual identity crisis. (John/Sherlock.)

Touch
Sherlock notices how much John likes to touch him. Nothing deviant or anything; there’s just a gentle intimacy between them. Men have always liked touching Sherlock—touching and tasting—but not like this. Not like John Watson. (John/Sherlock.)

That’s a smattering of my stuff. To see the full list of my fan fiction works, go HERE. See what I mean? Writing and reading this stuff is addicting, but it is a nice break from real life and work, isn’t it?