Whenever I write, I base my characters on real people, usually actors, because I’d get in too much trouble if I based fictional characters on, say, crazy relatives or that lady who talks to her cats. I digress …
So who would be in the BITE SOMEBODY series movie? You must be dying to know.
Celia Merkin, played by Felicia Day
The short story that inspired BITE SOMEBODY was first inspired by the TV show The Guild, starring Felicia Day. Although The Guild is about video game nerds, Celia is an 80s nerd, but the parallel just fit, as did the red hair requirement. True, Felicia isn’t quite as curvy as our Celia, but hey, feed her a bunch of cheeseburgers. I can’t picture anyone else playing the bumbling, newbie vamp who makes BITE SOMEBODY so hilariously awkward.
Ian Hasselback, played by Benedict Cumberbatch
I’m guilty of basing most of my male leads in some way on this beautiful British man. Of course, Ian isn’t British, but thanks to Doctor Strange, we all know Benedict can do an American accent. Ian is a laid back ex-surfer dude with huge, curly, black hair. The actor who plays him will have to infuse some levity into every situation, even while vomiting. (Ian has a weak stomach.) I’m pretty sure Benedict can pull this off, and having him naked in a bathtub doesn’t sound so bad either.
Imogene, played by Sara Dobie Bauer
Me. Yeah, I know, I just cast myself in my fantasy film version of the BITE SOMEBODY series, but hear me out. This is not my fault. It was suggested by a first reader, very early on, that I’d accidentally based Imogene on the way I look and, yeah, okay, on my somewhat snarky and morally flexible behavior. Imogene likes boys. Imogene likes rum punches. Imogene likes combat boots and sparkly high heels, and she says whatever she’s thinking, no matter how inappropriate. If that doesn’t sound like me, then … you haven’t met me.
Lord Nicholas Christopher Cuthbert III, played by Benedict Cumberbatch
I know, I’m ridiculous, but Benedict is my muse, okay? Granted, it’ll be hard for him to play all the romantic male leads in the BITE SOMEBODY series, but the twins in The Parent Trap were obviously both Hayley Mills, so there. Whereas Ian is sweet and soft, Nicholas is snarky and strong. He’s red carpet Benedict with his expensive suits and impeccable grooming.
Dr. Rayna Savage, played by Catherine Zeta-Jones
Everything about Dr. Savage is perfect, and well, Catherine is perfect. She’s a lifelong girl crush of mine, and she’d look absolutely banging in an expensive business suit with sexy specs. Plus, she has the grace to exude that “Oh-wow-you’re-an-idiot” expression that every snotty therapist requires.
Dean the Human, played by Jensen Ackles
This one’s dedicated to my gal pal Sam. If Dr. Savage is going to have a boyfriend, why not make him gorgeous? Jensen has the pretty boy good looks and effortless charm a vampire-human relationship deserves.
Danny, played by Colin Farrell
Another hot guy? Yes. Don’t judge me! I like hot guys! For Celia’s smoldering bad boy maker, who better than this Irish stud muffin? He’s got the dark hair and eyes required to play the part, and he’s also got the attitude. He’ll look fantastic in a pinstripe suit, and we already know Colin can play a vampire thanks to Fright Night. He might actually be a vampire.
Vixen the Stripper, played by Christina Hendricks
As Danny’s ditzy paramour, I need an actress who can play angry/crazy while rocking red hair and big boobs. Done. Plus, Christina’s overall lusciousness would really do a number on Celia’s self-esteem.
Amora Savoy, played by Penelope Cruz
To play the immortal maker of The Great Lover (Nicholas), you better be hot. Ms. Cruz is definitely hot … and maybe a bit of a bad girl. Amora is A LOT bad, but she looks and sounds super sweet. Whenever I wrote her dialogue, I heard Penelope’s cute voice talking. Plus, the woman really knows how to fill out a formal gown. Meow.
Olivier Winsome, played by Jeremy Irons
There is nothing cuddly about this leader of a vampire watchdog organization. He loves bossing people around, especially Nicholas, and he is one ancient, ballsy dude. Ever since I saw Irons in Lolita, I’ve been equally scared and in love with this charming English gent. He seems like the kind of guy who could make you smile right before he stabs you. Warm and cuddly … but not at all? Yep, that’s Olivier.
Heidi, played by Helen Mirren
I would partially cast Dame Helen just so my husband could meet her and hopefully get to kiss her. BUT I also love her sense of humor and willingness to act the fool. Celia’s landlady and owner of the Sleeping Gull Apartments is obnoxious, overly tan, and never to be seen without her horrific yellow wig. She drinks margaritas and smokes weed. From what I’ve seen of Helen, I bet she’d get down with some bad beach behavior.
So now you’ve met the cast of the BITE SOMEBODY series fantasy film. Have you ordered your copies yet? Sigh. Now, I just need to get to work on that screenplay …