To Whom It May Concern:
I would like to apply for the position of Writer. I believe my extensive experience being grumpy and introverted makes me an ideal fit for your company. My writing career began very early when I dyed my hair black and wrote atrocious poetry about moonlight. I have since moved on to social media, where I rant about improper use of grammar and share Benedict Cumberbatch videos.
You will find I have a very short temper. I sometimes sleep until 8:30 in the morning, just because. I don’t get dressed or brush my teeth until at least noon. My communication skills are nonpareil … as long as I am talking to myself. I do not work well with others, and I fear most social interaction unless there is absinthe involved.
I am not a team player. I mostly prefer my computer screen to the presence of other actual human beings and have developed long, in-depth relationships with fictional characters. In a group setting, I come off as slightly hysterical. My fingers sometimes twitch as if typing on an invisible keyboard. I think people who don’t read books are obviously weird and probably require psychological help, and I tend to judge anyone who has not read the entire Harry Potter series twice.
I never have conflicts with coworkers, unless you count my dogs, who sometimes interrupt my constant internal monologue with their need for food. My biggest weakness is my obsessive and repeated wear of Jack Skellington pajama pants and, I suppose, the way I stare at walls, which apparently is off-putting. In five years, I see myself sitting in front of my computer, talking to the shrunken head I keep on my desk (helps me think), and drinking tea.
I believe you’ll find all my above-mentioned qualifications make me a perfect candidate for the position of Writer. I have not included a resume because I think they are incredibly dull and below my writing ability. If hired, I will not attend company picnics, and I will grumble if you ask me to put on actual pants.
I do not look forward to meeting in person to discuss this further.