Jake and I went to see Deadpool this past weekend, partially because we like action films and partially because I think Ryan Reynolds is a stunning specimen of man beast. The movie was a blast: totally irreverent, sexy, and action-packed. I greatly enjoyed myself.
On the drive home from the theater, I texted some choice girlfriends to say Deadpool was surprisingly good and “Bonus: Naked Ryan Reynolds,” to which most replied “FULL FRONTAL?” in big, screaming letters. Alas, no, but I did see his ass, which wasn’t quite as good as my husband’s ass but it was still a very nice ass.
I admired the film as much as I admired Ryan Reynold’s butt, which made me think about the way I treat the opposite sex in general. Conclusion: I objectify men. Thoroughly.
This is most obvious on my Tumblr, dedicated almost exclusively to Benedict Cumberbatch, and no, not his acting chops. I reblog any pictures that, ah-hem, tickle my fancy, and I make the most inappropriate (albeit innocent) comments, which include …
“Oh my God, his ass.”
“His hair. Wanna pull on it.”
“I would tear that suit right off.”
The British online news site Metro even quoted me from Twitter, saying, in regards to Cumberbatch, “Dapper gorgeous mofo. High class. Delicious.”
These comments might seem tame (and a little stalker-ish, considering I can recognize Cumberbatch by his hands and even the back of his head), but when I interviewed author Caitlin Moran, she went even further.
Re: Cumberbatch, she told me, “I would climb him like a tree. I would do him until security pulled me off, and then, I would wank at him from behind a door.” I found this comment fantastically hilarious and posted it EVERYWHERE.
I asked my husband how he feels whenever I make lewd comments about his physique or, for instance, when I smack his ass while he’s making dinner. (Goodness, I’m really an ass girl, aren’t I?) Jake says he doesn’t mind any of it. In fact, he thinks it’s complimentary.
I’m thankful Jake feels this way, but I still need to acknowledge that I objectify men … and no one has ever complained about it. No one on social media has ever told me to “tone it down.” Even the Moran comment received nothing but laughs and reblogs.
A man could never get away with saying he would “wank” at a woman on social media without getting dragged through the mud of shame, so how come I can say things like this and more? How come no one comes after me when I shout, proudly, “I would definitely tie Ryan Reynolds to my bed!” (And I need to find the street from that Superbowl commercial … )
There’s a double standard, obviously. When men whistle at women on the street, women (some women) are offended. If a woman whistled at a man on the street, the guy would get high fives from his buddies. Why? WHY?
Oh. You were expecting an answer. Ha. Yeah, I don’t have one of those. The simple truth is, I think men are beautiful creatures, and I say comical, improper things about them all the time. Will there be a time when I come under attack? Maybe. But when will that be … and who will be my attacker?