Need feedback: BITE SOMEBODY query letter

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Query letters are supposed to be catchy, succinct, and intriguing. They’re also a pain in the ass to write. As I prepare to sell my manuscript, Bite Somebody, I must first prepare a dreaded query letter. That’s where you come in.

Kindly read the following query letter and tell me if it a) makes you wanna read my book and b) flows and/or makes sense. If all goes well, maybe I’ll mention you in the Acknowledgments.

Bite Somebody Query Letter: First Draft

All Celia wanted was her first bite and a cute boyfriend.

She expected her life to change when she became a vampire, but she’s the same chubby, awkward Pretty Woman-loving girl she’s always been. Abandoned by her maker, the opportunity for change arrives in the form of Ian, her new neighbor at Florida’s Sleeping Gull Apartments.

Ian is a goofy ex-surfer who likes Jeopardy and, to her surprise, Celia. Despite the nagging of Imogene, her only vampire friend, Celia can’t get her fangs to go “boing” at the right time, and her first bite seems less and less attainable.

When Ian makes his romantic move, Danny, Celia’s jerk of a creator, returns for a favor. He wants to harvest Ian’s human blood, because Ian’s blood smells like Christmas wrapped in bacon and they could make a fortune. But the last thing Celia wants is her cute boyfriend dead.

Bite Somebody: A Bloodsucker’s Diary is a 75,000 word YA paranormal romance parody set at the beach, and nothing and nobody are what they seem.

My name is Sara Dobie Bauer. I’m a vampire enthusiast and fan of Christopher Moore and Gregory Maguire. I earned my creative writing degree from Ohio University and am the official book nerd at SheKnows.com. My short fiction has appeared in The Molotov Cocktail, Stoneslide Corrective, and Solarcide.

A full synopsis and manuscript are available upon request. Intelligent vampire fans who don’t take themselves at all seriously thank you.

6 thoughts on “Need feedback: BITE SOMEBODY query letter

  1. “Christmas wrapped in bacon”… love it!! And you know I’m a vamp lover through and through… the only thing missing is a witch..hehe.

  2. This IS cute! I can sense my former jr high student “La Femme Nikita” aficionadas queuing up for it. May make one suggestion even though I’ll always be a permanent student infoholic?

    “So, when Ian makes his first romantic move, Danny, Celia’s jerk of a creator, appears for a favor.”

    The addition of “So,” can link the prior sentence showing Celia’s frenetic emotional needs. “First” romantic move would give clues Celia and Ian are already in a traditional “getting to know you first” relationship.

    Just a thought. I did see a short video on the problem with developing mechanical teeth to appear suddenly for True Blood, I think. So your “Boing” is spot on. My granddaughter is constantly trying to get “alone time” for us to finish her “Twilight” dvds together whenever I get to visit the “Madrasa” she’s trapped in. She’s aware of my “Underworld Trilogy” and bugs me about it. I’ll wait until she’s a bit older before the Svea original “Let the Right One In” modifies her Vampyric literary realm.

    I’ll probably buy your book for her. I get “gut-gigglies” at the thought of her smiles amid the dark forest of scowling “unfamilars” at her Madrasa.

    Good to “hear” you last night at the GCC gig.

  3. Yay!
    So, I really think you’ve nailed the feel of the story. I feel like I’m going to be in for an exciting, hilarious, and surprising read.

    Biggest thing. This sentence: “Intelligent vampire fans who don’t take themselves at all seriously thank you.” I think you’re missing part of it. I’m thinking maybe you mean, this will appeal to intelligent vampire fans who don’t take themselves seriously. That’s funny. 🙂 And it’s also totally true, because as a vampire fan who doesn’t take it seriously, I think this sounds like a lot of fun.

    I feel like this needs just one more sentence (or two!) to give me a clue to what kind of ending it’s heading towards. Like, it feels like it you stopped too soon. This extra sentence or two would wrap the query up by telling us that the stakes are. If Celia is going to fight or not, or if she even can go against her maker in the first place. Because that would be super scandalous! And it would also tell me what kind of action to expect in the book. If we’re in for an emotional climax, a physical fight, both, or something else entirely. Like, yeah it’s a parody, but is it one of those parodies that has something crazy and unexpected brewing in the background?

    You also don’t need to introduce yourself in the bio part. You can just launch right into it since your name will be on the bottom of the letter.

    So exciting!! ^_^

  4. Pingback: Getting (V)amped! | tiffanymichellebrown

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