The Christmas Letter

The Dobie-Schwind-Bauer family in Ohio, 2011.

The Dobie-Schwind-Bauer family in Ohio, 2011.

This morning I received the yearly Christmas letter from the pastor at my church, and it came as a surprise because so far this year, I haven’t acknowledged the most heavily celebrated holiday on the Christian calendar.

In his letter, Pastor Bob enumerated the many things he loves about Christmas: the lights, the music, and the atmosphere of joy—and it’s all true; just ask my neighbors. They’ve had their Christmas lights up since November 29th.

Usually, on December 1st, I’m ready for the holiday season, too. By December 1st, I finally allow for tinsel and 99.9 FM (the Christmas station). This year, something is different, and I’m not entirely sure what.

Is it Grandpa being gone? He was the ultimate lover of Christmas and Frank Sinatra’s “The Christmas Waltz.” He was our patriarch, and this is our first Christmas without him.

Perhaps because of this, I’ve been oddly emotional. While shopping for tree trimmings at Michael’s, for instance, I told Jake, “I gotta get out of here” and started crying as soon as we stepped outside. The next night, my husband (who is not into holidays) was the one who dragged out our fake Christmas tree.

I don’t feel giggly inside. I don’t feel joyful. I don’t believe Santa Claus is coming to town, and let’s not forget: my parents arrived last night. Yes, this will be the first time I’m not in Ohio to celebrate Christmas, but the grief people at Hospice say this is good. After a death in the family, you’re supposed to change up the holidays so the absence of a loved one isn’t quite as obvious. Yet, even with the arrival of mummy and daddy, I still don’t feel like decorating or singing carols or baking cookies.

But this morning, Pastor Bob’s Christmas letter was a revelation, because along with not thinking about Christmas, I also haven’t thought about Jesus.

From Pastor Bob’s letter: “My prayer for you is that as your scurry about with many and varied preparations for Christmas … the real meaning and message of Christ’s birth will not be lost. Pause and remember the message of Christmas is simply this: ‘God so loved the world that He gave His only Son.’”

This holiday season may be tougher than most. My family will be separated into east and west coasts. I’ll be in the sunny desert when I really want snow. We’ll all be without Papa, and that will be hard. But Christmas isn’t about the decorations, the presents, or Frank Sinatra. Christmas is about a baby born in a manger—and it’s time I remembered.

baby-jesus-mary-joseph-by-dewey

10 thoughts on “The Christmas Letter

  1. Girl, you and I are in emotional tandem right now. This season is hard this year. But I do hope that we can both shift our thinking, concentrate on what’s really important, and get out of this funk! Love you and praying for you and yours.

  2. Thank you, Sara, for sharing. Several years ago I suffered a loss about a month before Christmas. I felt the same way, too. The tinsel was just too bright. The music was too cheerful. I couldn’t care less about the whole thing, and I am a Christmas girl/elf. It took the same re-alignment…the centering toward Jesus to ease the pain. Christmas blessings to you!

  3. Can’t feel celebratory, or anything for that matter, on cue. There’s no shame or guilt in that.
    Thank you for a lovely and poignant post. Blessed Christmas to you and yours.

  4. Hugs to you and your family. Holidays are always so hard after a loss. And just from the times that you’ve posted about your Grandpa, I feel a bit like I know him, or at least the kind of spirit that he was. I think that pic sort of says it all- everyone’s involved in doing their thing, but he’s looking up w/a ‘I see you and it makes me happy’ sort of expression. =)

  5. So sorry you lost your beloved grandpa. I lost my cousin last weekend rather suddenly and I’m not feeling much like Christmas either. But I’m trying to remember the good times, the fun times. It’s memories that keep her alive for me and I expect your grandpa will be alive in your heart for a very long time too.

  6. Sara, I’ve been there. Both my oldest brother and my mom died on December 6 (years apart)–and the year after my brother died, my dad died in October, so that Christmas was hard too. Don’t try to make yourself feel anything. Just be where you are. Jesus understands, and he’s with you in the holiday and in your pain. Eventually, in a year or two, you’ll be able to enjoy the holiday season again, especially if you don’t try to force things now and let the grieving take its course.

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