Arizona · Music

So What if I Want to Show My Boobs?

I’ve never considered the flashing of breasts to be criminal. If the police at Ohio University, circa 2001, considered the flashing of breasts criminal, I would probably still be in prison. For the next ten years. But I learned something new this past Saturday on the Salt River: showing your boobs in public is, in fact, a ticketed offense—and the cops were ready and waiting.

In the defense of the young ladies flashing their goods, it was “Mardi Gras Weekend” on the Salt River, and by God, what are you supposed to do at Mardi Gras? Flash your goods! The Salt River employees handed out beads as we boarded the buses. Were we supposed to hold on to our beads? Hell no! Beads are meant to be traded for breasts. At least, that’s what we thought.

Wonderbra_UAEYet, as we rode our collective tubes down the river, it became apparent: although marshmallow throwing was highly encouraged, cops were waiting to ticket women who showed their breasts. Not that I was one of them (I was), but seriously? It’s the Salt River. Shouldn’t there be some kind of law about not writing tickets there? Especially on “Mardi Gras Weekend?”

Of course, thanks to Jake, who has been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, I learned women are ticketed there for flashing, as well. What, you say? At Mardi Gras in New Orleans? You gotta be kidding me. Drunk people can walk around with open containers legally, but women cannot share their God-given talents? Wrong. Wrong!

I don’t know how the feminists feel about the flashing of boobs, but I have no problem with it. In fact, I condone boob-flashing. Are there many people who don’t?

One of my newly discovered idols is the poetic and super sexy Amanda Palmer. I love her music, and I love the way she won’t take crap from anyone. The London Daily Mail recently covered one of her concerts, and instead of mentioning her music, they mentioned how her “breast escaped her bra.”

Do you know what Palmer did as a rebuttal? She wrote the Daily Mail a song. (Please, watch the whole video HERE. It’s beyond fantastic.)

There are several highlights to this rebuttal, and I quote: “If you’d Googled my tits in advance you’d have found that your photos are hardly exclusive.” Palmer loves her breasts, and she loves to show them. In fact, halfway through the song, recently recorded at a live performance, she removes a kimono to reveal her complete, naked self!

My girlfriend. Amanda Palmer.
My girlfriend. Amanda Palmer.
I am in no way suggesting we all just walk around naked. Please. No. Yet, I am comfortable with nudity, and this is not “my generation’s” thing. Reveling in nudity and FREEDOM OF BREAST started with the hippies: my mom’s gang, who burned their bras with pride. My Aunt Susie still rarely keeps her girls hindered by underwear.

And why should we? If women want to show their boobs, why shouldn’t women show their boobs? I understand there is a place to draw the line. I don’t think bottomless is the way to go. As Seinfeld proved in the naked episode, there is such a thing as “bad naked.” Flashing our downstairs areas: just don’t do it. However, why not let our boobies fly free?

I am proud to be a woman. I’m proud (though often confused) at the power of the breast. I mean, seriously, boobs are sacks of fat. However, men love breasts. Even I love breasts, and I’m straight and married. Breasts are pretty. They sustain life. They should not be ticketed. Nay, they should be celebrated!

I feel bad for the girls who got tickets this weekend on the Salt River. I feel even worse for women who get ticketed at Mardi Gras in New Orleans. It’s gotta be a shock to be punished for something so openly embraced.

What’s so wrong with nudity? If a woman wants to show her boobs, let her. Give her a high five, because boobs belong to us, and if we want to share them with the men of this world, it’s our choice to do so. Here’s my vote: bare breasts should be legal. If the women of African tribes can do it in National Geographic, why can’t we?

9 thoughts on “So What if I Want to Show My Boobs?

  1. I found Amanda’s video a few weeks back and fell in love with it. I made my husband and kids all sit through it so that we could talk about the media and her response. Have you seen her Ted talk? She’s someone I serously admire. I have written quite a bit on boobs after I lost mine to breast cancer but I’m with you. Having just come home from a European trip where it is just fine to sun your girls at any age, I find our condemnation absurd.

    1. Will definitely check out her TED Talk. I love her. Love her!! And I think it’s very cool you shared her video with your family 🙂

      And yeah, I spent time in France in high school and definitely went topless on the beach. You’re weird if you’re NOT topless over there …

  2. I feel it’s total bull for women to be ticketed if topless, but men are all right. Not all of them are God’s gift, certainly. What is the real issue here? We all have nipples! It’s a power thing, I guess (and I’m not even a feminist). I mean, I’m not one to just leave “the ladies” out, but that’s my choice. If other girls want to get some sunshine on the girls, good. Go for it.

  3. 30 yrs ago I floated the salt river. A buddy and I living in diego , drove up to
    Los Angeles to great a free meal at my friends ,friend , restaurant in our old vw van…..The meal was great > Our blonde waitress asked us what we were doing .We told her we were going to float the salt river .She was jealous and said that it would be so awesome to go….We actually asked her if she wanted to join us .She said she had to work the rest of the weekend . But my friend was best friends with the manager .We asked him to give her a leave .He said ok and off all three of us went ……Within 15 minutes driving all clothes and all bets were off ……We floated the Salt . She stayed naked the whole time ….
    Literally , one of the best days of my life , I will never forget it …..smoked some doobie …, the market sells a styrofoam container that fits into the center of the tube , put ice in , then add your keg of beer , tie tubes around the floating keg , add 20 guys and girls all topless , some bottomless , and let her rip !!!!!!
    they build up stereo systems on the tube flotilla so you have insane tunes ,
    ice cold tap beer , naked women , diving platforms every few miles , and the bus picks you up at the end of it …..Even tho , I am an old guy now, I have dreamed about re-living that weekend ever since ……and given a chance , I would do it again , even though I am in a semi – geezer way now ……….
    All I can say is have fun when you are young and enjoy it while you can ….
    That is what i did for 30 yrs . Lived for the moment , in the moment ……and laughed , and loved ………I know one thing …I had way more fun than most folks ever did ……I partied at night and worked out and played sports during the day , worked along the way , saved up money enough for my next
    excursion and off I went . I met and fell in love with many women , and to this day , i still love every one of them …..


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