You know what words offend me? Ignorance. Stupidity. Censorship. And panties. Especially pronounced with a Midwestern accent: “peeeeaaaanties.” Okay, that last word has nothing to do with what I’m writing about … or maybe it does, because I’d put money on New York City banning “panties” from their standardized tests, too.
Amidst HLN’s constant coverage of the Trayvon Martin murder case (which is another blog post altogether), I heard about New York City’s newest move in the dumbing down of American students. From the ABC News website: “Students in New York City’s public schools cramming for tests can delete words like birthdays, junk food, Halloween, dinosaur and even dancing from study lists. References to such words have been banned from city-issued tests in an edict issued by the city’s Department of Education for fear the words could ‘appear biased’ or ‘evoke unpleasant emotions’ in students.”
I totally get it. I mean, the older I get, the more I hate birthdays, too. Let’s scratch the word from our vernacular, because I don’t want to be offended when I turn thirty in June …
Ha, kidding. This is the dumbest thing I’ve heard since we took the cuss words out of Huckleberry Finn. Here we have another example of over-sensitive idiots (idiots who are in charge of teaching our children, by the way) trying to make the world a happier, more peaceful world that just happens to resemble Atlas Shrugged.
It gets worse. Do you want to hear why the aforementioned words are banned? “Dinosaurs, the Post reports, were banned because they reference evolution, which fundamentalist students might not agree with. Birthdays are not celebrated by Jehovah’s Witnesses and Halloween suggests paganism, so they are not allowed, and so is dancing because some sects object.”
Footloose has become reality! GAH! I scream for two reasons. One: because I don’t like Footloose. And two: pretty soon, we won’t have any words left.
More from ABC News: “Also on the list of topics are ‘creatures from outer space,’ homes with swimming pools, computers, vermin, junk food, abuse, terrorism, divorce, any references to disease and holidays.”
HOMES WITH SWIMMING POOLS? Okay, so that one’s pretty funny … until you think about what it means. If we’re banning homes with swimming pools, what will we ban next? Evolution is obviously out (hence the removal of “dinosaurs”). Pythagoras could be out soon, too, because maybe some kid got sick on Greek food once, which subconsciously made him also despise triangles. There won’t even be a Writing/Reading section on standardized tests soon, because there’s no way they’ll be able to find enough excerpts that reference … well, nothing at all and make us feel nothing at all.
I know: let’s just get rid of standardized tests altogether. That way parents will stop complaining that their child “isn’t good at standardized tests” (translation: “my child is an idiot”). There will be no unpleasant emotions evoked in the child. The child won’t have to think at all, which is what New York is seemingly trying to accomplish. Why delay it? Let’s just get rid of tests. Then, we can get rid of school, and we’ll all be unbiased and cheerful and stupid together.
I probably shouldn’t have watched Idiocracy recently. The movie takes place five-hundred years from now. By then, Americans are so stupid, they can’t support themselves. There is no water, only energy drinks. The best show on TV is some guy getting kicked in the balls over and over. Sound familiar? That’s because we’re almost there. Thank you, New York City, for ruining my day.