Oh, Shoot … I Really Am Bridezilla

Yesterday, I cried over the price of black velvet ribbon at Jo-Ann Fabrics. Then, I went to Staples and couldn’t believe they didn’t have the right size paper. Again, I wanted to cry. Then, I wanted to get a baseball bat and swing away—right into their stupid wedding display. What is happening to me? Me, who is (mostly) even keel and polite. Oh, of course: I’m getting married next weekend.

Jake and I got engaged in February, and we weren’t sure we wanted to get married right away. In fact, we were even thinking of pushing it back to June 2012, because that was when one of my best girlfriends would return from New Zealand. At the behest of my parents, we decided against waiting and planned for November 12th, 2011. (No, not 11-11-11, okay; everyone and their stinkin’ brother is getting married THAT day.) We booked the venue, and we were off and running!

Since booking the venue and settling on a date, I’ve done quite well. I was efficient in my dress purchase. I found the florist the same day. The caterer was easy, as was the decision to serve home-brewed beer and lots of liquor at the reception. We took an unconventional step when we decided against a DJ and instead went for a friend and an iPod. Everything else (including a tutu for Ripley) just fell into place … and yet this week, I have become bridezilla.

How did this happen? It’s not as if I haven’t had tons of help. Jake has been wonderful with the wedding planning, singlehandedly organizing our rehearsal dinner and then some. Friends have been a blessing from God. My mother and aunt in Ohio have run all over the internet, looking for nice touches and good suggestions. Every vendor we’ve found for the wedding? Cheerful. Helpful. Perfect.

And yet I was crying over ribbon yesterday, followed immediately by a trip to Total Wine where I bought my favorite vodka and then curled up on my couch with a cocktail, desperately trying not to cry anymore. I’ve lost my damn mind!

I was warned this would happen, by every one of my girlfriends who has already been married. I was warned that weddings can turn even normal women into soul-sucking wenches. But they do say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

I have a little over a week before officially becoming Mrs. Jacob Bauer, and from here on in, I refuse to let the bridezilla crush my village. Despite all the tiny details that are driving me crazy, I will take a deep breath and realize that the small stuff doesn’t matter. Jake matters. Our family matters. God matters, and He’ll be there with us next Saturday as Jake and I become man and wife.

I’ve started meditating on the song Jake and I chose for our first dance (no, I’m not telling you what it is; it’s a surprise). The lyrics say all that needs to be said. So do the words the pastor read to us this past Monday at our final counseling session before The Big Day.

I’m ready to get married. I’m completely stressed out, and I cry over things like, oh, wrinkles in fabric and slow drivers when I have places to be, people! Don’t you know, I’m the BRIDE? I will kill you!!!

<Sara takes a sip of vodka.>

Whoa, see, the bridezilla shows up without warning, but dang it, I’ll beat her, even if I have to use a baseball bat. If you see me over the course of the next week, give me a hug and tell me to calm down (or buy me a drink; that usually works, too). If you see Jake, tell him he’s a saint. And if you hear about a psycho cussing out a Jo-Ann Fabrics employee, please bail me out of jail before November 12th. Thank you.

19 thoughts on “Oh, Shoot … I Really Am Bridezilla

  1. Suggestion: Breathe. Make another cocktail. Create a mantra and say it over and over to yourself. Breathe. Repeat until feeling better or totally intoxicated.

    1. Mantra: Jake is hot. Jake is hot …
      Another cocktail: Genius.
      Workshop with Isadora on Saturday: Will be amazingly helpful.

  2. You’re marrying Jack Bauer? No wonder you’re…
    Oh. JAKE Bauer. That’s different. Unless he’s related to Jack.

    Anyway, keep repeating this to yourself: It’s not the wedding that matters, it’s the marriage.

    1. So true, so true. Now, THAT’S a good mantra. And I truly can’t wait to be married. Just gotta get through the wedding planning first haha …

      PS: If I was marrying Jack Bauer, I would have him head a hostile takeover of Jo-Ann’s so that I could get all the ribbon I want for free.

  3. Girl, next time I see you, I will have a flask…and pumpkin scones (calorie-free, of course)…and lots of great mantras for you. Event planning in general makes people crazy. Add in the fact that you’re emotionally invested and…there you go…And know that if guys were as into this stuff, there’s no doubt they’d be groomzillas. Kisses and cupcakes!!!

    1. Mmm pumpkin…

      I will do my best to stay sane, especially because I know I have such amazingly supportive girlfriends. And (of course) an amazingly supportive GROOMZILLA haha!

      Hugs, my cupcake queen 😉

  4. Hey…you can’t do nottin’ about it…
    it’s in your genes…..not too much wodka…sleep more…
    things will be fine…you need a new playlist?

  5. I figure that the fact that you wrote this proves that you aren’t *actually* Bridezilla. Hint: Lots of little things went wrong at my wedding, and I was FLIPPING OUT ABOUT THEM OMG ONEELEVENTY!!!1!!!! until right before the ceremony. Heck, we even forgot the marriage certificate. Guess what? I didn’t notice a damn one of them once Daddy grabbed my arm and we got moving. Your day will be perfect, no matter what goes wrong.

  6. Haha! I told you so! What’s funny is you don’t forget what is really important: the commitment your making, your man, “it’s just one day”, etc. What happens is you remember all the work you’ve done for “the most important day of your life”, and as it approaches, you realize your chances to “get it right” become smaller and smaller. You probably also think about all the times you’ve been to other people’s weddings and criticized certain details thinking you could have done it better, and are terrified someone will find one imperfection because you KNOW you did everything right. But…what if? On the upside, I can say with absolute certainty that once they annouce you are “husband and wife”, you are SO unbelievably happy that nothing else matters! No one could have ruined my day for me if they tried! This is going to be a tough week, but it is SO worth the stress, and i’m sure will be exactly what you wanted. Call me if you need me! PS: being a bridezilla for just this week, is a triumph as far as i’m concerned!

    1. All of this, spoken like a woman who just got married and KNOWS what she’s talking about 🙂

      I can’t wait for the “husband and wife” part! I desperately wish you were going to be here with us to celebrate! We’ll miss you so much! And I’ll definitely call you with last minute stuff. You’re the best, Mrs. NEAL! Ha!!

  7. Heh heh… I think I told you waaaaaaay back when my two bits of advice on weddings:

    A) No matter how well you try to plan it, some weird thing is going to go wrong or stress you out
    B) None of it matters – everyone will only remember the people involved and how much you love other

    Of course, B is never really clear until AFTER the Wedding, but that’s part of the process. Hang in there, Bridezilla. Have a most wonderful wedding, and looking forward to catching up when you’re done, back, rested, and all marrified!

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