Snooki Has a Second Book Deal. What the …?

I am highly disillusioned today, and it’s not only because Phoenix has 31% humidity. Nay, I am disillusioned because the over-baked Jersey Shore dumb-ass we call “Snooki” has now signed her second book deal, and I can’t stop dry-heaving.

I’m sorry; do I sound angry? Well, that’s because I AM ANGRY. I’m like the hulk over here in West Valley, looking for something to smash.

Allow me to present an excerpt from Snooki’s first book, A Shore Thing: “Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG HULK SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<deep breathing>
<deep breathing>

Okay, now that I’ve calmed down a bit, I’m free to comment: This trash is a New York Times best-seller? And they want this girl to write another book? They will pay her to write ANOTHER BOOK?

Folks, for your consideration, I ask: Why am I writing a novel? Why am I stressing over it? Why am I bleeding words onto the page in hopes of getting published someday, when celebrities like Snooki are the ones getting the book deals? Celebrities who are celebrities because … why? Why is Snooki famous? Why are any of the drunken, self-centered kids on The Jersey Shore famous? What the hell is wrong with our country?!

There is already buzz that the dreaded Casey Anthony will soon sign a book deal. Ice-T and his wife, Coco, both have debut novels on the shelves. These books will undoubtedly sell millions (well, maybe not Coco’s). However, good authors—deserving authors—will never be heard of, even if their books are published.

I haven’t worked on my novel in two weeks, and I feel panicked whenever I wake up and realize it’s slipping away. That said, I’m tired of fighting the criticism of my well-meaning editors. I’m tired of thinking about my plotline all the time and wondering why I’m bored. I’m tired of being strong and carrying on.

Partly it’s because I review books for a living. I receive bags and bags of books every month (which feels like Christmas morning to me). However, because of this, I see all the books that will never be reviewed—never sold to anyone other than the author’s family and friends. I can read most books within the span of about three days. I throw each completed novel back on the pile, write my review, and barely consider that someone like me spent years toiling over his or her computer to write a story. I’ve become jaded—the worst thing that could happen to an idealistic artist personality.

The final downfall of society will look a lot like this.

More so, though, I haven’t worked on my novel because America no longer cares about good literature. There are a handful of us who stand up for books, no matter what. We remember the stories of Nazi Germany and how kids burned books, and we shudder, because America doesn’t feel far behind. No one cares about books anymore—at least, not the books that matter. We read books written by famous idiots; we read magazines with headlines like, “Name the celebrity cellulite.” We watch freakin’ TMZ every … night … of …. the … week and get dumber and dumber and dumber.

If I do ever finish my novel (and no matter how frustrated I get, I admit it’s good), will anyone care? It may be a couple years from now before it actually hits bookshelves. By then, will works by Zafon, King, and my beloved Ransom Riggs be replaced by Snooki, The Situation, and … oh, I don’t know any other Jersey Shore character. If so, there is no hope for me, because my book is too heavy and complicated to be read by drooling fools.

I’m angry today. I’m disillusioned. I’m too young to be jaded, damn it. But Snooki ruined my morning. Don’t let her ruin yours. Turn off the TV. Go to the library. Get a GOOD BOOK. And read. Read all day. Remember what it’s like to have a story pick you up and carry you away. If it has to be Harry Potter, then read Harry Potter. Just stop reading the crap they’re selling on Entertainment Tonight. Before it’s too late and our country becomes the next Sodom or Gomorrah.

22 thoughts on “Snooki Has a Second Book Deal. What the …?

  1. There are some of us out here that don’t read all of that crap, or live the plastic fantastic life but I too feel that our society is becoming dumber every day. You just have to keep the faith- suck it up and think over the plot one more time, re-write that tricky sentence one more time, or whatever it is that is right in front of you. It took me ten years of rejections to get my first deal- it all comes down to persistence. Don’t give up the dream. And keep on blogging.

    • Ahhh, I needed that. Thanks for your comment. I will keep working and dreaming. Sometimes, it’s great to just blow off some steam 🙂 YOU keep writing, TOO!

  2. Oh — I know how you feel. A friend of mine sent me the link to your blog and told me I had a kindred spirit. It’s incredibly frustrating to realize that Snooki, like Bristol, and countless other “celebrities” are being encouraged to crossover into publishing. They don’t even write their own books.

    And Snooki’s NYT bestseller? It flopped. Being an NYT bestseller is, at least for the first few weeks, not an indication of public interest or sales, but of sales stock. When a publisher fills up retail shelves with a large initial run, the list can be made. However, Snooki’s book was returned by retailers in droves. She was only on the NYT list for a week.

    I wrote a rant when her 1st book deal went through: http://janedevin.com/2011/01/03/snooki-makes-me-want-to-off-myself-my-rant-about-simon-schuster-dipping-into-the-celebrity-cesspool/

    I’ll pass your rant on for the 2nd. 🙂

    • You make me feel much better about the best-seller thing. MUCH better. I love, love your rant about her first book (especially the part about you working in a penile implant factory. WHAT??). And your writer-rejection angst is amazingly accurate. I can relate to the utmost. We are all “bitter as we sound.” As writers, we can only take so much before writing rants of our own. Yours is spot-on. Good luck with Elephant Girl! Sounds interesting, especially with your clear, comic writing voice telling the story.

  3. It’s not a competition in the sense that someone who buys a pop culture figure’s ghost-written anecdotes can’t buy other books.

    One does not stop working on creating a Ferrari simply because a unicycle happens by, or a piano concerto simply because the local hotdog vender has been successful with a new whistled ditty. Well written stories will always have a market, although certainly it often takes time to connect and find that audience.

    There seems to be a lot of satisfaction and angst in the creative process; perhaps both are desirable and additive to the result?

    • Ahhhh, you are so right. Although it’s so easy to get distracted and disgruntled by the unicycle. Satisfaction? Not too much–not yet. Angst? Tons. Tons and all the time. It is desirable in that you hope someday to be satisfied by the end product; it is addictive in the way self-abuse or alcohol is addictive. You just can’t stop … which is unfortunate, because sometimes, all you want to do is STOP. I won’t let Snooki get me down; she doesn’t deserve the gratification. I will keep writing and wading through the creative process, because I must. It is who I am, no matter how frustrating it can be on occasion. Thank you for your well-orchestrated comparisons. I needed to hear them!

  4. I disagree somewhat, Bruce. It’s not about the book, it’s about the market. When the market is more interested in buying “platform”, such as the kind that’s built-in with a modicum of fame, than in buying talent, that’s a problem. You say “there will always be a market” but I’d ask you what that market’s goal is. Right now, it’s not about finding and developing literary talent. It took Kathryn Stockett 5 years to push her book “The Help” through. Five years for what almost everyone agrees is a perfectly written and wonderful book. It took Snooki one sentence “I wanna be a writer” on the Jersey Shore.

  5. Stop complaining like a little girl and get your book done. Unless checked, this negativity will keep you from achieving what you want.

    Snooki mooki, that’s life. I see it in business, art and even the charity space.

    Stay focused and stop complaining.

    Use your energy productively.

    The ibkr

  6. Ohmygosh, I could have totally written this post. My family has heard this same rant from me so many times, that now when they hear of some celebrity getting a book deal, they get quiet, avert their eyes, and try to slink out of the room before the tirade begins.

    • Hahaha … I think my fiance has learned the same trick. Poor guy. Nothing gets me angrier than bad writing. Grrrrrr!!!

  7. Yet another shot at seeing how America is truly going further and further down the toilet each and every single day, trashy shows with low or no class folks, that goes to show the rest of the world just how dumb we really are. Reality nonsense that goes no where, yet the public (not all but too many) eats this mess up in daily does, a truly God awful shame.

  8. This is 1 of the reasons why I really decided to go ahead and self-publish my books. The publishing industry is too much on the BLOCKBUSTER MENTALITY. I know it’s a business but…it’s just too far gone. OJ Simpson got a book deal, Casey Anthony,and so on. Just more & more celebs. Where is the new Kurt Vonnegut or Ken Kensey? Or JD Salinger? Idk. They aren’t spending any dollars trying to develop that type of talent, they’re mostly interested in reality stars & musicians. I think it will become harder & harder for writers to get published because of this (coupled with the Borders bookstore closing).

    With self-publishing I have my creative freedom, my covers look the way I want them to made with the hard work of my own little hands, and royalites are tenfold higher (I’m talking ebooks here through Amazon).

    I wish I could say I know how you feel but I don’t anymore since I’ve moved on with my life. Whether or not Snooki gets a deal doesn’t affect me since I’m not with “traditional”. I’m in a VERY good creative place now. But this “is” an interesting topic.

    • I think we have to get published in Europe. That’s where they’re still printing good books. Not to say there are NONE in the US. There just appear to be fewer.

      Don’t you have to do TONS of self-promo to self-publish? Any tips on being a successful self-published author?

      • I’m coming to your blog late, but I highly recommend self-publishing. Take a moment to look at my book, at http://amzn.to/RUNNINGnovel and the recommendations I make on my blog. (I was looking for info on how much Snooki made for her book, and found you. Nice blog!)

  9. I have to agree with the sentiments of Sorry You Feel Bad on self publishing. I have self published my last book because the subject matter made it unlikely that traditional publishers would take it up. So far I have been very happy with the sales of the book and I view it as a long term commitment anyway. I too like the total control that I have over every aspect of the published book and I am getting 50% more of the royalties than from a traditional publisher.
    As to the question of self promotion- my first publisher told me that they put 90% of their effort into 10% of their authors and I think that it is probably more accurate to say that it is 99% effort for 1% of their listed authors. How much promo will a first time author have to do under those circumstances anyway? I do TONS now but it is paying off.
    Traditional routes for publishing and selling books are on the way out- now writers are lucky if their books aren’t pirated and distributed on the Pirate Bay without any hope of royalties. At the very least self published authors will get the satisfaction of creative control and the chance to get a reasonable return per copy sold rather than the 2.5% that traditional publishers end up dishing out after promotional costs and so forth.
    One writer that I was corresponding with told me that it took 50,000 copies to make the bottom of the NY Times bestsellers lists and that he still had only just broken even on the business of the book. That’s a lot of work for the author and a lot of profits for the publisher. Ultimately Snooki’s books will end up being recycled into coffee cups or something and we will eventually forget that she ever existed but writings of real value will endure whoever publishes them.
    Never give up the dream Saradodie and keep on blogging!

    • You do a great job of selling self-publishing. We shall see … Once I finish my book, that is … Thanks for the encouragement, though. I love hearing from all my readers. Makes me believe there are smart, talented people out there who love to read and write. That gives me hope 🙂

  10. I am super late in reading and responding to this, but I have to say that there are a number of us out here that still care. We sometimes talk until we are blue in our face about our love for real literature, but the important thing is that we are still talking! Somedays, I feel like I am alone, but then others I feel like I am surrounded by others. And, I cross my fingers every day that the love of good books will remain in my children and they can continue to carry the torch!

    Stay strong! I’m routing for you and I would love to read your book! Snookie, on the other hand, no thanks! I’ve got better things to read in my lifetime! 🙂

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