Holy crap, I’m OLD! Call an ambulance. Get me a walker. And I want one of those “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” buttons. Because I turned 28 on Sunday, and all of a sudden, I’m freakin’ old! How in the hell did this happen?!
In celebration of my birthday, my little bro (the bastard is only 24) came to visit this past weekend. In case you didn’t know, Matt Dobie is one of my favorite people on earth. We don’t really act like bro and sis; we act more like two politically incorrect movie critics who love beer and talking about inane topics until 3 AM. So over the weekend, we celebrated our faces off. List of activities included First Friday at the PHX Art Museum; pool party; Westgate binge drinking; Diamondbacks baseball game; and finally, hiking Camelback Mountain.
It is the final item on my list that will explain to you why, at age 28, I am suddenly old. Matt and I headed to Camelback yesterday, but we got a late start. We didn’t get there until 10:30 AM, and despite the 100-degree temp, I still thought, This’ll be cake. I’m a serious hiker. CAKE. So we started hiking. We had our nifty water bottles, and I looked all cute and athletic in my sports bra and bandana. We started walking; I began to realize that Camelback Mountain summit trail ain’t gonna be a walk in the park. Instead, it was straight up and down. And did I mention it was hot out there?Anyway, we made it about 3/8ths of the way up. (I saw a sign that told me so.) After a particularly grueling segment, I stopped, turned to Matt, and said, “I don’t think I can do this.” I said “don’t think,” but what I meant was, “I’m going to hurl if we take one more step.” Seriously, I had to turn around and head back down! I felt like my lungs were burning. I couldn’t get a deep breath. Then, came the nausea. Then, the dizziness. Then, thankfully, Matt Dobie said, “Yeah, you look like you need to go back down,” because he could have kept going since he is only 24! And I’m OLD!
When I was a youngster, I used to kick ass and take names on hikes out west—middle of the summer even, beneath raging sun and scalding blue sky. My dad and I hiked nine miles of the Grand Canyon in August. I’ve hiked down from the top of the Grand Tetons. I conquered Canyonlands, and I could possibly do the Narrows hike in Zion until the water ran dry. But now, I’m old, so I have no idea what this stupid body is capable of anymore. Matt, God love him, said “It’s just your allergies.” Yeah, I know that’s part of it, but if it was just allergies, why were my legs shaking on the way down? As far as I know, pollen does not affect muscle strength.
So anyway, here I am, an old woman. Laugh all you want. I know my dad has been. As of last Sunday, I am now 28. My little bro has come and gone from our Valley of the Sun, and we had a mighty fine time. I guess I have to smile a little though, because sure, Jake can probably scale Camelback Mountain, but his birthday is in October ‘81. At least someone will always be older than me …