Satan Stole My Computer

Satan does exist. Now, let me tell you why.

Disclaimer: This is not a politically correct entry. So if you’re easily offended, go watch Oprah or something.

So my computer is sick. I’m not typing on my computer; I’m using my roommate’s. My computer is old. She’s close to retirement. She gets sleepy, and she just turns off without warning. This week, she’s been bad. It’s been worse since I’m freelancing full time. Ye old computer gets a lot of action nowadays. Over the course of a day, she has more hands on her than a stripper at 2 AM. So she’s in revolt. She’s turning off every fifteen minutes, and yesterday, I took her to the doctor.

The dude at CompuZone looked at my computer and said, “Yeah, I can run a diagnostic. Get her back to you in about five days.” Point blank, I said, “Are you insane? Five days? Why not five months? How about five DECADES, huh?” Like the disgruntled little child I occasionally can be, I stomped out, muttering inappropriate curse words on CompuZone’s front stoop, inciting raised eyebrows from the dry cleaning guy next door.

My next option? Call HP tech support. I hate talking to robot voices. By the end of the initial phone call, I’m screaming “Option 1! Option 2! Do you understand me you bleeping-blippity-blonker?” This is the error of tech support. The actual human beings don’t have a chance, because by the time we—the consumer—reach them—the techie nerds—we are so fiery hot with anger, we can barely speak. So I finally get on the phone with a human being. Here’s the part about why I know Satan does, in fact, exist.

I can’t understand the techie guy.

This is no fault of Jefferson’s. (Yeah, his name is Jefferson. Weird, right?) Jefferson is innocent. He just wants to help, but he’s also very far away in a foreign country with an accent that is probably considered barely there by his country’s standards. By my standards, I feel like I’m back in junior year of college Algebra. Remember? That semester when I had to TEACH a bunch of other kids MATH because our teacher was so FOREIGN, we couldn’t understand him. And we were PAYING TUITION for THAT? To have me—a Creative Writing major—teach a classroom MATH? Back to Jefferson, the poor guy can tell I’m frustrated. I’m cussing under my breath as he tells me they’re going to bill me a one-time charge of $49.99 (does the 99 really fool anyone? It’s fifty bucks) to fix my computer over the phone. I make him promise this is going to work, and then, I tell him that if it doesn’t work, he’s lucky he’s too far away for me to FIND.

We do the run around for about forty-five minutes. There’s a lot of him spelling things, because like I said, I can’t understand anything. Then, there are a lot of long pauses, because I can tell, Jefferson doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing. We hang up, and he says my computer is fixed. That was yesterday.

Today, my computer is definitely NOT FIXED, JEFFERSON! I call Jefferson back. (His own personal curse that I know his name…) He takes remote control of my sick, old computer, and there is nothing weirder than watching my computer move on its own. This is the 2010 equivalent of Poltergeist, and I can just hear that little blond brat saying, “They’re heeeeeeeeeeeere.” This lasts two hours.

Did I mention I’m a freelancer? Time is money, and I might as well be burning dollar bills. Time moves along, and I’m stranded, watching a stranger open and close applications and web pages while coasting over a picture of my boyfriend and me on my desktop background. It could be weirder. Imagine what this Jefferson guy has seen—probably porn on some teenage dude’s laptop, maybe a swastika from a skinhead’s Mac, or worse, Hannah Montana.

About halfway through this marathon of tech support, my cell phone dies, and Jefferson is gone. It’s about here where I start crying. And it is here when I realize Satan exists, and it’s all because of HP’s tech support. Who else, but Satan, would devise such torture? Who else would force a bunch of angry, impatient Americans to call a foreign country, for help navigating a foreign planet—cyberspace—from none other than a foreign dude who might as well be speaking Tele-Tubby? Who else would make it so impossible to just get a straight answer? To get a quick fix?

There is additional evidence of Satan. There is the United States Postal Service. There are airports. There is the process of buying individual health insurance, and yes, there is Oprah. However, in the past twenty-four hours, I have come to realize that evil does exist, and I have faced it dead on. If you don’t believe me, download some random virus. Crash your computer, and then, call for help. No one will hear you. This, my friends, is what hell must be like. “Just say Option 3 for the pit of eternal despair…”

5 thoughts on “Satan Stole My Computer

  1. My heart goes out to you. HP support is about as useful as a brain fart. I created those recovery disks when I got my machine and a year later when my laptop crashed, I tried to use the recovery disks. They didn’t work. I called HP “support” and was told that my computer was out of warranty. I pointed out that the disks were created when the computer was in warranty. This bit of logic was lost on the “support person” who said that this did not matter. I said thank you and then informed him that since I own 9 HP computers and 6 HP printers that my next purchase of equipment would not have the HP logo on it. I’m not sure he understood what a logo was and I was not in the mood to educate him. Since then, I have had other failures and met with much of the same “great” support.

    1. Thanks for making me feel not so nuts, Frank. Yes, I got the out of warranty chat. Then, they charge fifty bucks. That was when I said, “WELL YOU BETTER FIX THE PROBLEM OR I WANT MY FIFTY BUCKS BACK.” (sigh) I bought a backup hard drive yesterday and did a massive system restore. Fingers crossed…

  2. Sympathies and welcome to PC tech support hell, especially bad when it is off-shore. Whether from Dell or HP or most other vendors, it generally sucks because it seems the companies just want you to buy a new computer — and then the cycle repeats. The economics are weird, akin to buying a new car when the battery dies. Maybe a bad analogy, since the auto industry is over a century old.

    I have owned many different computers. The consistently best tech support I have received has been from Apple, with AppleCare, for what it’s worth.

    Best wishes with the restore.

  3. same thing with American Express–they should take American out of their name because I’m always routed to India when I call. It’s infuriating. When we have so many unemployed in this country, our corporations are choosing to outsource to save money. Shouldn’t they be taxed extra for that to either go into our unemployment fund or for retraining the people who lose their jobs when they are laid off due to outsourcing?

    1. “India Express.” Sounds too much like a train line…
      I’m with ya, though. I don’t get it at all. Silly corporations. Outsourcing honestly just costs other countries more money, because of all the THERAPY their employees will require after all of us Americans yell at them.

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