Dead Spiders

For a long time, I had a pet Banana Spider outside my office window. I watched her build a web. I watched her seduce and eat dude spiders. Her ass grew, as did my work TO DO list. She would watch me type, and I would watch her, watching me, through those eight million eyes. Then, one day, I thought she was dead. I felt terror and dismay at this realization, because Ms. Banana Spider had become a friend—a compatriot and an entertaining distraction at work. That day, though, she wasn’t dead. She was just resting.

Ms. Banana Spider is not resting anymore. Ms. Banana Spider is dead. I watched it happen. It was about a month ago, on one of those uncharacteristically cold Charleston afternoons. Again, I looked up, and I thought she was just taking a nap. Then, the wind blew. Ms. Banana Spider fell out of her web and into the bushes below my office window. I stood up and stared outside. After the initial shock had melted into mourning, I sat down in my chair and realized it was over. My little friend was dead, and for the rest of that day, I typed slower, walked with hunched shoulders, and frowned down at my TO DO list.

The feeling grew. The dead spider bothered me. I’m not superstitious. I don’t believe in “signs.” But maybe part of me had gone with Ms. Banana Spider. Maybe, as I watched her web fill with pieces of fallen leaves, I felt myself toppling—cold and lonely—into the bushes outside my office, too.

Yesterday was my last day at my full time job. I resigned two weeks ago, and now, I sit here, typing on my computer at home with no Banana Spider outside my window. And it’s okay. It’s winter, and the spiders are hibernating somewhere warm. The seasons are changing. Everything changes. I was at my full time job for a year and a half. I learned how to be a publicist. I learned how the publishing world works. I made great friends, and I will never EVER regret moving here, to Charleston, SC, for said job. I have been, and I am still, blessed. But it was time for a change. It was time to shake off the dead spiders and have a new adventure.

One of my favorite quotes: “Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy shit…what a ride!’” And so the ride continues. A wide open unknown awaits. I am lucky to have the support of so many friends and family. I am lucky to have the opportunity to immerse myself in freelancing. Finally, I’m lucky to have made the acquaintance of a certain Ms. Banana Spider, who reminded me that sometimes, you just gotta move on to move up.

6 thoughts on “Dead Spiders

  1. I am excited to see and hear about the new changes and adventures coming in the new year! I’ve been meaning to reply to your email for the longest time and still intend to! In the meantime, know that I am sending you the best of luck!!

  2. A strangely beautiful post. I can just imagine myself freaking out about the poor Ms. Banana Spider.

    I left my job in August. I’m sure our circumstances are different, but it has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. I hope your life changes are as fantastically wonderful and affirming. Best wishes.

  3. fresh new changes are full of anxiety and excitment The ” walk by faith and not by sight ” kind of faith. Im so proud of you Sara. Best of wishes to ya.

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