New Moon: A Jailbait Showcase

At the theater on Saturday, a twelve-year-old gave me a run for my money. When Taylor Lautner took off his shirt, I was about to purr. Then, this little girl in freakin’ pig tails beat me to the punch. I must be getting slow in my old age. I say old at 27, because shoot, Lautner is 17. Talk about jailbait…

I read all Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight books. I liked them for what they were—teeny bopper vampire porn. I saw the movie Twilight, and I thought it was dumb. Granted, I saw the midnight showing, and I had a migraine at the time, but still, the flick—and all the actors—annoyed me. I did not go to see New Moon on opening night. I waited until Saturday, because I thought, why not? It’s not like the movie is going to play once and then, disappear like a distraught Edward Cullen, leaving Bella (or Sara Dobie) lost and bewildered in the woods.

Hey, Cullen, move. You're blocking the wolf dude...

There was a line thirty people long when I arrived, but thankfully, my dates for the evening were already there, waiting. My dates were three chicks, and I’d say the girl to guy ratio in the theater’s entirety was about 9 to 1. We took our seats, and yeah, we squealed during the opening credits. The movie began, and…

What? Are you expecting some grand Twilight saga epiphany? Well, there isn’t one.

New Moon was a lot like Twilight, only a little better. Much like the Harry Potter crew, the Twilight kids evidently took some acting classes in the interim. The directing was good. Nice camera angles. Some cool shots. Nice close ups on Bella being SAD and MISERABLE. The best part was the music. I wonder what Radiohead’s Thom Yorke thought when his agent was like, “Hey, dude, you want to do a song for the Twilight saga?” I suppose he said, “The what saga?” Thom Yorke’s probable shock at soundtrack inclusion notwithstanding, the soundtrack was GOOD. Some Death Cab, Band of Skulls, the aforementioned Thom Yorke, and of course, the return of Muse.

I’ll say a bit about the special effects and makeup. The werewolves were pretty sweet, and the wolf dudes were fun on the screen. I thought they were more interesting than the vamps, to be truthful. The vampires did look cool, though, as vampires tend to. On the topic of the coolness of the wolves, I’d like to submit my bid for Team Jacob. I know, it’s a stupid advertising ploy to take sides, but it was a strange juxtaposition for someone who read all of Stephanie Meyer’s teen angst. By the end of Twilight, you’re all about Edward Cullen. By the end of New Moon, I was asking “Edward Cullen who?”

Jacob wins. It’s not just how dang cute the boy is; it’s the charisma that Rob Pattison seemed to be lacking. It could have been the dialogue. Maybe Pattison’s absence for the majority of the film. Maybe Pattison’s desperate need to eat a sandwich. (He was skinnier than me, and no girl likes a dude THAT skinny.) Whatever it was, by the end, I wanted Bella to pick Jacob. We’ll just have to see what happens, hmm?

The bottom line: New Moon is an okay flick. It’s entertaining. It has some good dialogue. We can all appreciate the attractiveness of the cast. If you’re expecting an action movie (as billed by the trailers), go see something else. If you’re expecting high brow entertainment, just stay home and read a book.

One thought on “New Moon: A Jailbait Showcase

  1. I love your description of Twilight at vampire kiddie porn … too true. And I feel such guilt and shame at wanting to see the movies and liking the books. Like — at age 42 — I should be beyond all that.

    And I think that actor who plays Jacob looks like a lunkhead in the photos I’ve seen. Maybe he comes off better in the film based on your comments.

    Just came over to check out your blog after seeing your post on 20Q on Lost In Books.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s