The Banana Spiders are copulating

Being that I’m from Ohio, I was unaware of the southern critters now infamously know as “Banana Spiders.”(I knew about the so-called “Palmetto Bugs” of South Carolina, but we all know those monsters are really just cockroaches with southern accents. They make the same noise in SC as they do in Ohio—CRUNCH when you smash ‘em in stilettos.) Back to the Banana Spiders, though, my first summer here, I had the unpleasant and unfortunate experience of stepping onto my pretty porch and walking through a web. Then, there was that “HOLY HELL” moment of discovering the eight-legged monstrosity now shaking its fist at me, screaming, “You dumb girl, you ruined my home!”

Mr. Banana Spider is not my friend.

Mr. Banana Spider is not my friend.

Banana Spiders are about the size of your fist. They have cylindrical bodies, shaped like the big-ass heads of the extraterrestrials in the Alien movies. Their long legs are striped yellow, orange, and red, and those legs have fuzzy knobs like human knuckles. Once August hits, Banana Spiders are everywhere—even more so than the Palmetto Bugs that rule the dark alleys of downtown Charleston like angry gangs in the heart of Harlem. By the time you see the spider webs, it’s just too late. You’re left sputtering and wiping at the invisible strings on your face. Then, you’re left wondering, if the web is on my face, where’s the Banana Spider?

WHY am I writing about Banana Spiders today? Oh, I’ll tell you. It’s because I have a Banana Spider outside my office window. He’s been there for about two weeks, and his Alien ass keeps getting bigger. He picked up some skinny chick this past weekend, and they’ve been copulating day and night ever since. Soon, there will be baby Banana Spiders, and this concerns me. It concerns me because the spider keeps getting bigger, and I’m worried that one day, I’ll show up at work and there will be a BLUE JAY caught in that web. If Mr. Banana Spider has babies to feed, there might even be a POODLE outside my window eventually.

This is all because I refuse to go out there and kill the damn thing.
Because I’m safe at my desk.
Because I don’t want to swing a broom and accidentally toss the thing on my shoulder.
Because I have a funny feeling deep down that if I try to kill him, Mr. Banana Spider will follow me home and end up staring at me from the middle of my bedroom ceiling.

Banana Spiders. They creep the hell outta me.

29 thoughts on “The Banana Spiders are copulating

    • I think our spider friend is here to stay. In fact, we named him “The Dude” last night. Maybe I’m getting used to Banana Spiders. *Shudder SHUDDER*

  1. The skinny chic is probably the male. The Dude is probably actually the dudette. I only know this because I have a couple living outside my bathroom window. I hear they are excellent fly traps but I would keep an eye on my poodles.

    • I figured it out about the dudette later! Being from Ohio, I was clueless 🙂 I hear the chick collects her men, mates, and eats them mwahahaha! I made the mistake of letting my poodle outside a couple weeks back. Poodle gone. Thanks for the comment!!

  2. I really enjoy your writing style 🙂 It makes me laugh. We also have a banana spider on our porch … and are very creeped out/interested in our new friend!

  3. Pingback: The Banana Spiders Are Copulating, Part II « Sara Dobie’s Blog

  4. Man when I worked in a grocery store as a teen, one of these came in with a load of bananas. Creepy. Still, I felt awful when I found out the dock boys nuked it in the microwave…so, so wrong. Karma’s coming, boys…

    • NUKED IT???? Aw, poor thing…of course, I’m not gonna lie – when I saw my first banana spider in SC, I almost moved back to Ohio. The big ones scare the F!!! out of me.

  5. I have a banana spider that spun it’s web on the outside of my bedroom window. She is about 3 inches long. Right now there is a male trying to mate with her. When we went to look at her she started swinging the web. The closer I got to it the faster she would swing. She has been there for about a month now. I want to see how long and how big she will get.

    • When I first moved to Charleston, I was scared to death of these critters. Then, I started to kind of like them. I mean, they still scare me, but I have an admiration for them now. I would NEVER kill one. Enjoy the entertainment. The big critters really do have personality 🙂

  6. U kinna rocketed into stardom just yesterday. But far be it from me to taunt. Hell. I was born and raised in TX. Banana Spiders are old hat at this point. (hell, I think I mentioned them as number two in my “11 things I hate more than anything” blog) … really. … true story. … …. Like you, though … I really hate them. Ugly ass animals! … Anyway … keep writing. You please me and a few of my friends. That’s important, I’ll have you know. … (wink) … bless. namaste.

  7. Being from Ohio myself, my first encounter with one of these spiders was in Charleston too! I will be sending a link to friends and family to your bogg for a good chuckle.

    • I truly was scared to death of the things when I first “met” them. Strange, since I think the HUGE crickets you find in Ohio basements are much scarier … plus they make that weird crunch sound when you step on ’em.

  8. i am in ohio and found one outside and i just wanted to say i found ur story soo awesome, they do scare me i am to afraid to piss him off i made a deal i would leave him alone if he left me alone

    • Yes, as long as you talk to them nicely, they will leave you be 🙂 They’re cool lookin’ though, right?? Just really scary!

  9. I saw one of those ugly things for the first time this past labor day while camping at the Myrtle Beach State Park. There was three of them. And they were ALL huge! I didn’t like the idea of sleeping in a tent with them just a few feet away….but I liked the idea of them staying in their web! I was like you…too afraid to knock them down and try to kill them. I was too afraid that they would end up in my tent!

  10. I have been in Florida for 16+ years, the Banana spider has been a lot of fun… I rode horses on trails that usually had them in the area of a rider’s face. This is the reason for the standard 3 foot whip- it’s not for the horse it’s to clear the web. A lot of people freak out about these spiders because they are so big. However from personal experience I can tell you that should one land on you- if you let her, she will take herself elsewhere. They only bite when clobbered. I have ended up with them on me- I have let one walk up my neck, up my face, stare in my eye and she turned around and went the other way. They also happen to be the only spider the chickens and ducks would not eat.

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